Our Journey Continues

2010-01-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

NOT REALLY A CHAPTER

SHOULD I CHANGE THE TITLE OF THE BLOG...
...to "Our Journey Detours"?

We kept thinking we were just too busy with life to get around to filling out the rest of the paperwork and doing to the CPR class and finger printing, etc.

Then, in December, we finally came to the realization that there are some things that we need to work through within our family before it would be wise to bring another child into the mix. We are working on healing some things in our marriage, Joseph is pursuing some counseling and we have been dealing with some health issues with Caleb that have been pretty time consuming.

We hope and pray that God will soon bring us to a place where we really will be ready to open our home to more children.

I think it goes without saying that prayer is always appreciated.

2009-05-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

THINKING OF YOU THIS MOTHER'S DAY

(I posted this on Caleb's blog, too.)

I would like to dedicate this post to all the women I know that experience at least some measure of sorrow on this day. My heart has been heavy for you this last week and you have been in my prayers. Many of you by name.

I think first, of course, of those of you who long to be mothers and cannot or don't know if you will ever be. I remember that grief.

I think also of Caleb's birthmom and others like her, who made a selfless, loving, hard choice for their child.

I think of those of you whose mothers are no longer on this earth. I tremble at the thought of that day crossing my path.

I think of mothers whose children are no longer on this earth. I don't think most of us would ever anticipate outliving our children.

I think of children whose mothers have wounded them, emotionally, physically or otherwise.

I think of mothers whose children have wounded them, especially those who have rejected the faith they were raised in.

I think of mothers whose children have no father around to teach them how to honor their mother.

I think of women who long to be someone's wife, let alone someone's mother.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Feel free to leave comments and add to it for me so that I know who else to include in my prayers in the years ahead.

Before Caleb came into my life, I longed for the day when I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mother. I have been blessed with that privilege now for three years. To my surprise, with the passing of each of those three years, I have become more convinced than ever that if there were a petition to "delete" this holiday from the calendar, I would be the first to sign it.

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not that I don't appreciate the way Joseph and the rest of my family have sought to honor me on Mother's Day. But it continues to be a bittersweet day for me because I cannot seem to forget all the years of pain that went along with it and the pain that continues to go along with it for so many others.

So this morning I came up with a plan. I decided that next year, if Joseph and Caleb want to set aside a special day to honor me, then they can make that my birthday. I will honor our mothers and sisters on Mother's Day, but I've told him I prefer he not get me flowers or presents or a card on Mother's Day. Maybe in that way, I can silently protest a day I wish could be done away with.

In closing (lest I sound ungrateful), I need to say that I am humbled and grateful beyond words that God answered my lifelong prayers and after eight long years of "trying" gave me the gift of motherhood. I can truly say that I am doing what I feel like I was made to do. God knew who Joseph and I needed in our family when he placed Caleb in our home. He has used Caleb to refine me in countless ways already and he's only two. I never would have chosen the time line or the path that God had for us but we can all agree it is GOOD that HE was in charge of that. Soli Deo Gloria!

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
"For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?
Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be glory forever. Amen.

~ Romans 11:33-33 ~

2009-05-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 4

PHYSICALS
One relatively minor thing checked off the to do list in the last two days: both of our physicals. This proved to be a good thing apart from moving us along in the adoption process. Joseph found out that his health has improved quite a bit since his physical prior to Caleb's adoption. And I'm starting a new medication that might help prevent some migraines. If nothing else, it seems to be having some other (beneficial) side effects...already!

Joseph has finished up his online classes and is going to be taking an indefinite break from those. As it turns out, I haven't managed to work on any of the paperwork yet but we're hoping to get going on the rest of it before too long now. We might need to go away for a weekend for that to actually happen. We'll see.

2009-04-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 3

MORE PAPERWORK
On March 20th, I got a call from Michele, our case worker. I told her a little bit about our process with adopting Caleb and she told me a little about her background (they are in the process of their third adoption).

As it turns out, there is more paperwork to be done and she e-mailed that to me (about six attachments). I am hoping to start plugging away at the parts I can do without Joseph a little at a time while he finishes up his current online class. Once he's done with that, we'll look for a time (maybe a weekend) to sit down together and plow our way through it.

We've scheduled our physicals for early May.

Seeing how interested Caleb is in babies these days, definitely helps to keep this process on the front burner for me. Below are a few pictures of him enjoying Cousin Elianna and Baby Maggie (our pastor's daughter).

2009-03-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 2

SOONER THAN EXPECTED
I'll be honest. I figured it would be awhile before we heard back from our agency. Based on what I had been told when I had initially requested the paperwork last May, I was under the impression that it might be a matter of months before we would be assigned a case worker. So, I was pleasantly surprised when Joseph told me this evening that he had received two different e-mails from Antioch Adoptions staff.

The first one was to let us know they had gotten our paperwork and had assigned us a caseworker. The second one was from the caseworker, Michele. She informed us that over the next two or three weeks she will be closing out some items currently on her plate and then begin working on our update!

2009-03-07T15:14:00.001-08:00

BOOK 2

CHAPTER 1

HERE WE GO AGAIN
Lately we get this question a lot, "Do you think you will adopt again?" Our answer is, "Yes!"

Joseph and I are both so blessed to have grown up with siblings. And now as adults we really enjoy our relationships with our brothers and sisters, maybe even more than we did when we were children. With that in mind, we have always hoped that God would have more than one child for our home.

For awhile now, we have been praying that God would bless Caleb with a sister or brother by the time he's three years old - which is now only a year and 9 days away. We know that we have a part to play in making that happen. It's called starting the adoption process again. We've been looking for a time when we could sit down and fill out the necessary paperwork to get the ball rolling.

So, we decided that this was the week to make it a priority because Joseph was in between classes and would, therefore, have a little extra time. Joseph's sister, Leah, graciously offered to take Caleb overnight to give us a solid chunk of time to devote our undivided attention to the daunting task of "the paperwork."

We still remember how overwhelming this part of the process was the last time around (forty pages of in depth, soul searching questions), so we were really trying to brace ourselves. Imagine our surprise when we sat down to work on it and found it to be mostly yes/no questions and contact and financial information (and not even ten full pages). We were done in less than an hour!

So, we have sent that in to the office and will be waiting to hear back from them about what we need to do next. In the mean time, we'll be scheduling our physicals with our doctor since that's another requirement we know of.

We need and appreciate your prayers on our behalf as we head down this path a second time. We have no doubt that it will again have its ups and downs. But I think we also go into it much more aware of how completely it is in God's hands to bring us the right child at the right time. Thank you for walking with us as we continue this journey.

2007-07-18T22:49:00.001-07:00

WE INTERRUPT THESE POSTS...
...to bring you a link. I had intended to wait to post this until I had finished catching up this blog. However, the move is consuming more of my time than I had wanted, so without further ado: here is Caleb's blog.

I would recommend checking back here from time to time, though, because I do still hope to add posts about the rest of my visit with my family, Caleb's baptism and the adoption finalization.

2007-06-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

ELIZABETH'S FAMILY ARRIVES
In the days leading up to their arrival, I was downright giddy. I could hardly wait for them to finally meet their first grandson/nephew. My sister, Susanna (Aunt Susi), was the first to arrive. Caleb and I picked her up at the airport on the morning of June 6th.

Aunt Susi also made sure to introduce Caleb to her man, Adam (in the picture next to Caleb).

The next day, the rest of them arrived: my Daddy (Papa John), my Mama (Nana), my older brother, Jason, my younger brother, Stephen, and my sister-in-law, Rachel, along with Caleb's first (boy) cousin on that side of the family (affectionately referred to as "Fetus"). They had all driven up from California where they had just celebrated Stephen's graduation from Westminster Seminary.

Susanna, Caleb and I were up in my bedroom folding laundry when they arrived, and they were so eager to see Caleb that they all traipsed upstairs to find us. If I can read Caleb at all yet, I would have to say he was a little concerned to have so many strangers invading "his" bedroom.

Below are a selection of pictures of Caleb with each of these family members in the order he was introduced to them. The number of pictures is not necessarily an accurate reflection of how much time each of them spent holding him. He was well loved on by all.

Nana

Uncle Jason

Papa John

Uncle Stephen

Aunt Rachel

We had a great time with them all. Stephen and Rachel were only able to stay until the afternoon of June 10th, and Jason until the evening of June 11th. Daddy and Mama were here through Father's Day, leaving in the morning of June 18th and Susanna left the morning of June 20th. It was such a treat to have them all here, especially to celebrate Caleb's baptism with us.

Check back soon for more pictures of our time with them and of Caleb's baptism on June 10th.

2007-06-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

"NEW" DIGS
Well, not long after we brought Caleb home, Joseph started making comments about moving to a bigger place. I did a little looking around but didn't find anything too promising. Then we got to talking about his parents "old" house. About a year and a half ago, they moved into the house they had been building, which is on the same property as the old one. (Side note: the basement of the old house was our first apartment when we got married 11 years ago.)

Once his parents moved into their new house, they started renting out the old one the old one to missionaries on furlough. They had hoped the missionaries would each stay at least a year but as it turned out, it was usually just for a few months. Joseph decided to ask his dad if they would consider renting it to us and they were thrilled. As it turns out, they had hoped for some time that we would want to live there but they didn't want us to feel pressured into it.

So, we settled on a moving date towards the end of July. With my family coming into town, there's just no realistic/sane way to do it any earlier.

There are many, many pros to living there: a lot more space, close proximity to granparents/employer, affordable, being able to paint the walls, ... the list goes on but it might not be as exciting to you as it is to us. But, unlike every other place we've moved out of, there are actually some cons to leaving this place that gave us pause as we considered it. We will really miss our dear neighbors. We will miss our back yard and our little deck and patio that we enjoy throughout the summer. We will be living a little further north, so we will probably have more traffic to deal with. And we've just really liked this home apart from the space constraints.

So, once my family heads back East, we will begin painting and packing. Hopefully after that we will be able to settle back into some routine that has been lacking in our lives lately.

2007-06-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

WEEKEND GETAWAY
On Saturday, June 2nd, our dear friends (and honorary grandparents to Caleb), Sam and Bobbie invited us to their lovely home on the Peninsula. This was Caleb's first ferry ride. He wasn't so crazy about waiting to get on the ferry because it meant the car wasn't moving. He finally surrendered to sleep, albeit not in the most comfortable position.

Once on the ferry, he was able to get out of his car seat which suited him quite well (he still doesn't smile much but we could tell he was content).

We spent a delightful day enjoying Bobbie's delicious meals, the beautiful summer weather and most of all great fellowship. Oh yes, and a nice little afternoon nap, too (well, for Caleb, there were several naps). Caleb gave Grandpa Sam some good smiles which is pretty rare - he usually saves those just for us and we still haven't been able to capture them on camera.

Joseph showed off our new discovery: if you turn Caleb's bib around on his neck, he turns into Super Baby, aka Bug Boy (when he is not in costume, he is known as Serious Man).

BATHTOWEL PICTURES...FINALLY
I have always loved pictures of babies in their hooded bath towels but since Caleb is usually unhappy the minute he gets out of the shower, it took me longer than I would have liked to get some good ones.

2007-06-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

ON THE MEND
I spent the better part of last week in bed trying to get well. I had come down with a really sore throat and low grade fever on Thursday, May 24th and just couldn't seem to shake it. I wasn't gravely ill or anything, just really low on energy. I kept trying but I just didn't feel up to doing all the things around the house I had planned to before my family gets into town this week. The benefit of this was that Caleb and I got lots of time together just hanging out on the bed. I count my blessings that he is so content to just lie around and stare at things right now because it allowed me to get plenty of rest. My throat is still sore at times during the day but it's not constant and I definitely have more stamina.

LITTLE LUXURIES
Another benefit that came from being sick is that I got my nails painted! Those of you that have been around me during sandal season in years past might have been as surprised as Leah was to notice that my toenails have been bare even though I've been wearing sandals since mid April. I had been looking for an opportunity to give myself a pedicure, and last Friday I finally found it. (I guess I hadn't realized that this was something that would become a luxury when I became a mother.) I even got my fingernails painted. I was amazed at how good it made me feel. Being gender outnumbered in our home, I have found myself being very purposeful about cultivating my femininity and as it turns out, painted nails really accomplished this in a big way for me.

A FEW RECENT PICTURES

I may have mentioned this before but Caleb is not at all fond of his car seat. Fortunately, he only cries when we first put him in it. On this trip to Costco I decided to try something a little different. He really seemed to enjoy being able to look around at everything.

For quite some time now, Caleb has wanted to stand and be upright so we decided to try out the Johnny Jump Up. Blankets helped to support his upper body and he has a very strong neck but he only enjoyed this for a few minutes.

On Monday, June 4th, Leah blessed me by stopping by when her girls (and Caleb) were ready for their naps. While the kids slept, Leah did what she does so well and whipped our house into tip top shape, clean and ready for the arrival of my family later that week. Here is Lily after her nap enjoying Caleb's bouncy seat.

Caleb is showing signs that he is about ready to be done with the whole swaddling thing. Yes, he wriggled his legs and one arm free during the night.

2007-06-03T21:21:00.001-07:00

GROWING LIKE A WEED
So here is an overview of our lives with Caleb during the month of May. It is truly mind boggling how fast these little babies grow and change. At his 2 month well baby check up, Caleb weighed in at 12 pounds, 12 ounces (if you remember, that's up from 7 pounds at birth!) and measured 22 inches. That put him in the 75th percentile for weight, and 25th percentile for height. He is a compact little dude, who is obviously eating very well. I'll start with some size comparison pictures I took.

March 29th & May 13th (Notice the Legs!)

March 30th & May 30th

Our Neighbor, Tyra, Compares Caleb to Her Doll

DOTING COUSINS
So far, Caleb has 3 cousins and they are all quite fond of him. Josiah, however, has taken it to the next level. He found a Cabbage Patch Doll that used to be his mom's and has informed his parents that it is "Baby Caleb." Apparently, he carries it around the house (see picture below) and tends to his every need. He has even given his "Baby Caleb" a stuffed dog and a special blanket (which are Josiah's 2 comfort items of choice). When Caleb was at their house, Joseph said Josiah must have kissed Caleb's head at least 20 times and was very eager to help out with a diaper change, handing his mom wipes and the diaper creme. I hear he also tried to share some potato chips with his little cousin.

Uncle Nathan, Cousin Josiah & "Both" Baby Calebs

Lily Loves to Help Feed & Burp Caleb

DADDY & MOMMY TIME
About the middle of May I realized that most of the pictures we had been taking were of just Caleb. So I became more purposeful about looking for opportunities to catch Caleb with his Daddy, and handing Joseph the camera and asking him to take some pictures of me with Caleb.

Mariners Fans

Cheek to Cheek & Trying Out (& Buying) A New Rocker

NEW FAVORITE PASTIMES
On Sunday, May 20th, Caleb figured out how to get his fists into his mouth (repeatedly). Since then he has spent many contented hours mastering this skill. Even though this will not seem noteworthy as he learns things like sitting, rolling, crawling, walking, talking, reading, etc., right now it's pretty fun to watch how big of a deal it is for him.

He also figured out how to rock himself on the glider ottoman. Joseph had him propped up on his Boppy on the ottoman and noticed that Caleb was pushing his feet against the rocker over and over to make the ottoman rock.

But Caleb's absolute favorite thing to do is to hang out on his changing table. He loves to stare at the toys that hang from a sconce above it. In fact, I think these toys may be the recipients of more smiles than we are. Not surprisingly, this is where he was when he first discovered his hands.

(This isn't the way he faces when he rocks, but it gives you an idea of him on the Boppy on the ottoman.)

SNOOZING

MORE MODELING FOR MAMA

I think he might be hiding his face in embarrassment because of what his shirt says ("Wal*Mart Shopper in Training").

And THAT ("Son of a Scrapbooker") is why you're always posing for pictures, Caleb!

ODDS & ENDS

Behold, the Power of the Pacifier: Before & After - Only a Matter of Seconds

I love is the many different ways Caleb holds his hands. You've seen the picture where he had his hands folded (as if in prayer). Sometimes when he is sleeping they are tight little fists, other times his fingers are totally spread out. I also love that he is always happy to hold onto my fingers. And he has a really strong grip.

It is such a blessing to have grandparents nearby. And we are really looking forward to living even closer to Joseph's parents (right next door) come July.

Watching the Mariners with Papa & Keeping Warm with Grandma at Safeco Field (for Cousin John's Graduation from Law School)

Meeting Great Grandma Punky & the Other Great Aunt Jo Ann

Not Quite Ready for Online Gaming or Blogging, I Guess

2007-05-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

MOVING CLOSER TO FINALIZATION
On Monday, May 14th, I got a call from our lawyer saying he had just been to court and the birthfather's parental rights had been terminated. While we weren't anticipating any problems with this, it was a relief to hear it had been accomplished. Right now, the finalization court date is set for June 25th but our lawyer is going to see if he can get it moved up to June 11th when my parents and sister will still be here.

BAPTISM
On June 6th and 7th my family will arrive to finally meet Caleb. My Dad, Mom and sister will be here for 10+ days. My oldest brother, Jason, will be here until June 11th. My younger brother, Stephen (freshly graduated from seminary with an MDiv), and his wife, Rachel (carrying Caleb's first cousin on my side of the family, due in September) will be here until the evening of June 10th. In addition to meeting Caleb, they are coming to join in celebrating Caleb's baptism which will take place at our church on Sunday, June 10th. You are all invited to join us for this joyous event (just let me know if you need more details of time/location). The only one we will sadly miss is Jason's fiancee, Heather. Caleb will have to wait to meet her in person until their wedding in December.

MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY
Over the past many years, Mother's Day has been a very hard day for me. Not only did I long to be a mother, but my mother was miles away.

Joseph did an outstanding job of making my first Mother's Day incredibly special. He spoke one of my primary love languages fluently, bringing home 2 dozen beautiful red roses, and a bag with a little box from Jared the Galleria of Jewelry. He demonstrated impeccable taste in the ring he chose for me. Not only is it my birthstone, it is a setting that lends itself to wearing it everyday. He also picked out a wonderful card to go with it all.

2007-05-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

MEET MOMMY KATRINA
We had our second visit with Caleb's birthmom today and it went very well. We sat in some comfy chairs at Third Place Books for 4 hours! Kerry Ann, (the birthparent counselor from our agency) has remained very involved with Katrina and brought her to the visit and stayed the whole time. Katrina held Caleb almost the whole time, delighting in him and showering him with her tender affection. I have no doubt that she really does love him and I get the sense that she can tell he is being well loved and cared for.

I want to again thank all of you who are praying for her. I am convinced that God is moving, and that he is protecting her. She is doing so well and as of last Saturday is getting settled into a group home that I think will be a place she will be comfortable for the foreseeable future. She looks healthy and her spirits are good. We even had the opportunity to talk about God and some of her questions about Him.

She dotes on Caleb and it is very obvious to me that she does love him and that she has a lot of affection for him. She gave no indication that she has any regrets or doubts about her decision to place him with us. She loves to hear about how cute people think he is.

He was content to let her hold him and feed him. At one point when he was awake and looking at her, Kerry Ann encouraged her to get close and talk to him, to say his name. When she said, "Hi Caleb!" he rewarded her with one of his happy coos which made her happy. It was interesting to me to notice that she has already decided to call him by the name we have given him rather than Andrew, because at our first visit she had asked if she could still call him Andrew. (I had told her then that I thought that would be fine, knowing it would probably resolve itself naturally eventually.)

As she talked about trying to find ways to fill her days, I found myself longing for a day when our relationship would be one that would lend itself to spending more time together. But I know for now we need to just take it slowly.

I told her about the blog and asked if it would be okay if I posted some of the pictures I have of her with Caleb. Without hesitation, she gave her permission. So without further ado, here you go.

From Today's Visit

From Our First Post Hospital Visit (in March)

From the Hospital

BONDING
In the last week or so, I have really noticed Caleb responding to me with such a sense of security. He is quickly soothed by snuggling into my chest, listening to my voice, and occasionally even lighting up with a smile. (He also responds in similar ways to Joseph but they just haven't had nearly the quantity of time together that Caleb and I have.)

Holding sleeping babies and children has always been one of my favorite pastimes. But nothing quite compares to holding my sleeping baby and lately, he's been very content to sleep on me a lot. Someone asked me awhile back what my favorite parts of motherhood are. I think if I had to pick one thing, it would be that I can pick Caleb up and hold him whenever I want and for as long as I want, without asking permission and without having to "hand him back over."

Tonight, after a long day out and about (Joseph and I had a chiropractor appointment tonight), he was a little fussy. But he just seemed to breathe a sigh of relief as I sat and rocked and sang to him. I was overcome with tears of joy at how this longing of mine has finally been fulfilled. It is so amazing to finally be that one person that a child is most secure with. And while we often pray that Caleb would be completely secure in our love, affection and care for him, we also pray that he would know that he is most secure with and best cared for by his Heavenly Father.

2007-05-19T23:08:00.001-07:00

APRIL IN PICTURES

Easter Sunday & Size Comparison

Leah and I have started an errand day exchange - one week I watch her girls, the next week she watches Caleb. It has really been a lifesaver since Caleb really doesn't enjoy getting in and out of the car all day. This last Thursday I squeezed 14 stops into my errand day!

Four Generations & A Doting Cousin

Caleb did much better than I did at his follow-up PKU test.

Leaving Caleb with Uncle Arthur & Auntie Leah for Our First Date Alone

Caleb's 2nd Chiropractic Adjustment (Thank you, Dr. Cathy!)

Trying Out Daddy's Computer Chair

Future Boxer?! (Mommy Sure Hopes Not)

We were trying to get a picture to use on a birth announcement.

No wonder he's putting on weight. This is about 2 days worth of bottles.

DADDY TIME
Joseph is an amazing father. That doesn't come as a surprise to me, I just felt like bragging since this is my blog. He is so involved in every aspect of caring for and bonding with Caleb. And he is eagerly looking forward to the day when he they can build Lego "things" and go fishing together.

THE BABY MULLET IS NO MORE
On April 29th, we took Caleb over to "Salon Leah" for his first haircut. Leah has had lots of experience trimming and cutting hair of both young and old. Caleb didn't seem to mind at all and we came home with a Ziploc bag with little tufts of reddish fuzz. And yes, he still had more hair than his Daddy, even after it was trimmed.

BATH TIME
We have found that the most efficient way to bathe Caleb is to just bring him into the shower with us. He really seems to like it...until it's time to get out. He then cries - loudly - until he is dressed, swaddled and sucking on his pacifier in his swing. If anyone has any ideas on how to help him not live in terror of the towel, we're open to suggestions. Of course, this bathing process doesn't give us many photo ops.

CALEB'S FAVORITE PASTIME: SNOOZING

"APRIL SHOWERS" PART 1
Joseph's Mom and Sister hosted a shower for family and friends on April 15th. We were blessed by the generosity in gifts, and Leah once again put her great creativity to use, especially in the decorations and the games. Pictured below are the results of one of the games. She gave everyone Play Doh and the assignment was to create a baby using the Play Doh and anything they had in their purse. I had to pick the winner.

Caleb's Clothes as Decorations & An Ice Cream Cake (it was yummy!)

The Winning Play Doh Baby & The First Runner Up

Some of The Others

"APRIL SHOWERS" PART TWO
On April 28th, three dear friends from church (Cheryl, Esther & Vicki) hosted another shower for us. One of our friends from our adoption group was also able to be there with her son (they were the first in our group to have a placement, we were the last). We were again blessed with many wonderful gifts, including a group gift of our swing which Caleb sleeps in day and night.

The Cakes & Caleb's Buddies (with their Moms)

Betty (a founding member of our church) & Me with the Swing

Caleb slept through the whole shower

Leah, Caleb & Me (I know it's out of focus but it's the only one I had)

MORE NEW FACES
These are just a few of the people we had the pleasure of showing Caleb off to in April.

Terri, Ben & Grace (these are the children I have nannied off and on since Ben was 4 months old; he is now 8 and Grace 6 years old!)

Auntie Tee (finally!) & Will (& Mary, not pictured)

Great Aunt Jo Ann & Taylor (I babysat Taylor for several months, starting when she was 6 weeks old, I think she is 10 years old now!)

MODELING FOR MAMA
If it were up to me, I'd probably change Caleb's outfit 3 or 4 times a day just because he has so many cute clothes that I want to see him in before he outgrows them. But he really doesn't enjoy the process of getting dressed (or undressed, for that matter). He especially hates having things put over his head and putting his arms through the sleeves. So, I decided to try to take pictures of him in as many outfits as possible to help me remember him in them.

He's a pretty good sport about modeling for me. But as you will see in some of the pictures, he gets a little fed up from time to time. The pacifier has been a great help in this process. So, here are a few of my favorite pictures from April's modeling sessions.

I think he's trying to tell me he's had it with my stupit camera!

2007-05-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

JUST A FEW (OLDER) PICTURES
I have been too busy enjoying Caleb, sorting through all the wonderful gifts we have received, enjoying Caleb, trying to get to some organizing I didn't have time for before he arrived, enjoying Caleb, trying to keep up with laundry and bottles, and did I mention, enjoying Caleb?

The longer it goes, the more pictures there are I want to post, but some of them haven't even made their way from my camera to my computer. So for now, here are some pictures from the rest of March. Hopefully it won't be as long again and I'll add the ones from April, and then maybe I'll even get some from May posted before the end of the month. But no promises.

Comparing Caleb to Cousin Addy (7 months older)

"Grandma" Bobbie

2007-03-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

FINALLY AN UPDATE
Thank you for your patience. I have wanted to post but have just been too busy enjoying the reality of Caleb to find the time for it. I know many of you have been checking in, hoping to find more pictures and I will post a bunch tonight. Joseph is usually of the opinion that I spend more time documenting life (in pictures, etc.) than living and enjoying it in the moment. So when he told me I needed to update the blog, I figured it must really be time.

I have been amazed and humbled to hear how many of you have been reading my ramblings. Thank you for spending your precious time keeping up with the details of our life. I do hope to continue journaling about our days, though I doubt the updates will be as regular as they were for that week leading up to Caleb's homecoming. And we certainly understand that you all won't always be able to read every post.

LEAVING COMMENTS
Thanks to several of you who have let me know that you were unable to leave comments. I have changed a setting and I think anyone should be able to comment now, but let me know if you continue to have trouble with that.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

Tuesday, March 20th:
The hospital pediatrician stopped in to check Caleb out in the morning. Everything looked good and he cleared Caleb to leave that afternoon. Beginning around 11 a.m., Caleb and I enjoyed quite a few visitors which was a great way to pass the last of the 48 hours while we waited for our court papers. Then, after things had calmed down again, Kerry Ann came with a gift for Caleb and an update on Katrina. It was encouraging to hear that she was doing well and being taken care of.

Cheryl, Elaine (Cheryl's mom and an honorary Grandma), and Annika (Cheryl's daughter)

Ande, Esther and Tim (Ande's son, Max, is about 2 months old; Tim and Esther's son, Gideon, is about 4 months old, and we all go to church together)

Cousin Addy (7 months old)

When we got home, our neighbors/friends came over to meet Caleb. Later in the evening we had a few more visitors, including Caleb's Papa and Grandma.

Our neighbors, Tyra and Holly (her mom)

John (who came bearing a cigar for Joseph), and Joseph's Dad, aka "Papa"

Wednesday, March 21st:
Wednesday morning, Caleb and I slept in and then had another visitor. After running some errands in the evening, we gave Caleb his first bath.

Marilyn & a Rare Glimpse of Caleb's Open Eyes

First Bath & Manicure

Thursday, March 22nd:
Caleb and I headed over to Joseph's sister's house for the morning. His cousin, Lily held him, sang lullabies to him and squealed with delight over his "cute little ears, fingers, etc." She also enjoys "petting his head."

Cousin Lily

Friday, March 23rd:
We met up with Joseph's mom, Grandma, two Uncles and Lily and Addy at a restaurant near Great Grandma's house. From there, we headed to the chiropractor, where Caleb really seemed to enjoy his first treatment from Dr. Cathy.

Great Uncle Ron & Great Uncle Gary

Great Grandma Vi & Dr. Cathy

Saturday, March 24th:
We had a delightfully quiet day at home as a family of three. Caleb is such a good sleeper, we were all in bed until 10 a.m.

Sunday, March 25th:
We had a very busy day and I think we overstimulated Caleb (even though he slept through most of it). That night was his most difficult for sleep and we spent much of Monday recovering. Sunday started out with church in the morning (at our church's north site). From there, we headed down to the church I used to work at for a send off for the associate pastor and his family (who are leaving to plant a church). This was a wonderful opportunity for many friends we don't see often to meet Caleb. Then, in the evening there was a send off for our associate pastor and his family (who are leaving to take a church out of state). The great thing about this event was that a lot of people who are now at our church's south site got to meet Caleb before he is too grown up.

All Dressed for Church

Sarah, who has prayed for children for us for the last 4 years or so

Monday, March 26th:
As I already mentioned, we spent most of the day recovering from our busy Sunday. We did manage to get up in time to go on the "Monday Morning Walk" with Joseph's mom, and good friend, Lois.

Caleb is definitely looking a little older and putting on weight. He has a good start on a nice double chin.

Tuesday, March 27th:
Today brought our first visit with Mommy Katrina. Thank you for your prayers! God definitely answered and the time went very well. Caleb was happy to let her hold him and love on him. We enjoyed comfortable conversation and Katrina seems to be doing well. I do have some pictures of her, but for now I think she would prefer they not be posted.

Then, on our way home, we stopped off at Vicki's house to see Calyn who was visiting from Portland. Calyn was in a prayer group with me for several years before she moved and has been asking God for children for us with a passion that has continually ministered to me. It was so awesome to find out today that she has been praying for Katrina (and her baby) since she found out about her through a mutual friend back in January!?! In case you're wondering, that is a couple of months before we knew anything about Katrina. And it wasn't until today that Calyn realized the Katrina she was praying for is our Katrina. I love it when God allows us glimpses into how He is orchestrating the big picture and making connections that we could never have even imagined.

Calyn rejoicing in answered prayer

This was not staged, Caleb interlaced his fingers like this all by himself.

2007-03-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 32

WELCOME HOME, CALEB!
Shortly after Joseph got to the hospital yesterday (Tuesday, March 20th), Mandy and Maddy (from our agency) arrived with our legal guardian documents. We went through the quick process of getting Caleb discharged and we were off for home. Just before 6 p.m., Joseph walked Caleb through our front door. All I can say is, "WOW!!!"

By the way, a revision to some of the initial info: he weighed 7 pounds, was 21 & 1/2 inches long, and was born at 10:46 a.m. on Friday, March 16, 2007.

Leaving the Hospital as Caleb's Parents (or at least his legal guardians...for now)

The Car Ride Home

Proud Papa - Home at Last!

I do want to write more about yesterday and today but for now, we're just enjoying some much anticipated family time.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers, not just for us but for Katrina as well. It is such a blessing to us.

2007-03-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 31

NOW YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T
We continue to find new things to praise God for. Caleb had an ultrasound today and you'll never guess what they found. Yup, his other KIDNEY!!! It was just hiding...right above the one they had seen. With as difficult as it was for the ultrasound tech to find it today (with Caleb "out"), it's not wonder they couldn't find it when he was in the womb.

Joseph gets the scoop from the ultrasound tech. (Mandy, in the background, did our homestudy and has been doing a lot of driving papers back and forth between our agency, our lawyer and us. Thanks, Mandy!)

THE BEST SLUMBER PARTY I'VE EVER BEEN TO
I am actually writing this from a very nice maternity ward room at the hospital. Caleb is snoozing in a bassinet to my right. And I get to be here with him until we take him home tomorrow (Tuesday, March 20th) between 4 and 5 p.m.

We arrived here around 2:30 p.m. this afternoon (Monday, March 19th). Joseph's Mom followed us down here, just itching to finally meet her new grandson in person. And shortly after we got here, Caleb's Uncle Arthur stopped by on his way home from work. Both of them had to leave before too long to avoid the worst of the traffic.

Joseph stayed then until about 7 p.m. when we said sad but hopeful goodbyes. He headed home to do some necessary errands, get a decent night's sleep and work tomorrow until it's time to come pick us up and take us home.

Getting acquainted with Grandma

Uncle Arthur is used to the "pink hat" variety of this size package.

KEEPING IN TOUCH
As we were getting settled into our room here, Katrina called. It was good to get to talk to her and have the opportunity to pray with her over the phone. She wanted to know how "Andrew" is doing. When I told her we had family visiting, she asked if they thought he was cute. I told her everyone who has seen him or seen pictures of him just raves about how handsome he is. Our agency has helped get her settled into a home in the area that is set up for women in situations like she is. That was such a relief to hear. In response to my asking how she is doing, she said, "I'm still sad." I was glad she called and I'm sure it took a lot of courage on her part. We appreciate all of you who continue to keep her in your prayers.

ANOTHER VISITOR
After Joseph left, a dear friend from church stopped by. When Vicki's son, Henry, was born 3 & 1/2 years ago, she invited me to spend a night with her at the hospital. I think it was about 6 years ago that we began to deepen our friendship through a weekly women's prayer group. During these years there have been times when I think she longed for me to have a child almost as much as I longed for it myself. What a treat it was to watch her holding my baby and to compare pictures of me holding baby Henry to the reality of me with Caleb. On a side note, I have been saying for several days that some of Caleb's features remind me of Henry. When Henry was born, I thought he was the cutest baby I'd ever seen. I'm sorry, Henry, but I'm afraid Caleb has displaced you.

Vicki and Caleb

THE HOME STRETCH
Before we came to the hospital today, we met with our lawyer and signed a bunch of documents. He will go to court around 2:45 p.m. on Tuesday and, provided everything is approved (which we trust it will be), Mandy (from our agency) will drive it all the way from the courthouse in Everett, to us here at the hospital so that we can take Caleb home at last.

Joseph outside our lawyer's office.

A FAMILY OF THREE
I keep looking at this picture in disbelief. We have sooo many pictures of the two of us from the last 10+ years. But now, there are three of us. Glory to God. We are so humbled by this beautiful blessing he has bestowed on us.

This one speaks for itself (and yes, it is a "self" portrait).

[P. S. If you don't mind leaving the first letter of your last initial with your comment, that would be great. I know quite a few Rachel's and Sara's (and probably more than one of some other names, too) and sometimes it's a little tricky to figure out which one of you is leaving the comment. I love the comments, though, so please do keep 'em coming. Thanks.]

2007-03-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 30

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE
Praise God! Right around 2:30 p.m. on Sunday, March 18th, Caleb's birthmom signed the relinquishment papers, choosing us as his adoptive parents. We were literally on the sidewalk in front of the hospital, on our way to visit him after church when Kerry Ann called us with this GREAT news. And so began the 48 hour wait.

As soon as we got into the nursery, Joseph was finally able to hold him. And we got there just in time for his feeding. I don't think I can really put into words how amazing it was to see my husband finally holding his own son. I've seen him with so many other children and the way he interacts with them might make people think they were his. But this really was different.

First Meal with Daddy

SAYING GOOD-BYE (FOR NOW)
Around 3:30 p.m., the nursery got a call saying Katrina wanted to see Caleb one more time before she was discharged. We were happy to comply and I took the opportunity to run to the car for a few things. We then waited in the waiting room on Katrina's floor because we had been told she wanted to see us again, too. Just before 4 p.m. she walked into the waiting room. With tears in her eyes she begged us to take really good care of him. She let us give her a hug.

She had bought a couple of outfits for him (he was wearing one when we got to the hospital) and asked that he wear one of them home from the hospital, which he will. She also bought him a blanket and two little animals. On one of the animals was a ring she's been wearing since before we met her. What precious gifts these will be for Caleb to cherish as he grows up.

She had two friends accompanying her and Kerry Ann drove her to the pastor's house where she will be staying for now. According to Kerry Ann, both of her friends were giving her very positive encouragement, assuring her that she was doing the right thing. I really can only imagine how hard it must have been for her to leave that hospital without that darling boy. My heart aches for her and I truly hope that we can have a lifelong, healthy relationship with her. Kerry Ann told me over the phone later that Katrina seemed to be getting comfortable with the pastor and his wife.

We have the date for our first visit with her set for Tuesday, March 27th, at the offices of Antioch Adoptions. I am surprised to find myself really looking forward to that visit and thankful that it won't be a whole month before she can see him with us. We hope and pray that this visit will be a strong confirmation to her that she made the right choice and that Caleb is happy and loved.

THE NAME IS SETTLED
Katrina asked Kerry Ann after they left the hospital if we were going to change his name (she had filled out the birth certificate with the name Andrew Nathaniel). Kerry Ann was honest with her and told her that we were. She asked if we would at least keep Andrew as part of it and Kerry Ann told her she thought we were considering it. I told Kerry Ann on the phone that she could assure Katrina that we would. So, though it won't be official until his adoption is finalized and he gets a new birth certificate, his name is Caleb John Andrew.

PREPARING A PLACE FOR CALEB
After spending some more time with Caleb in the nursery, we decided the best plan was for us to come home tonight and give our house some much needed attention, as well as get what may be the last good night's sleep for awhile.

Joseph did the bulk of the work and whipped this place into shape in about 1/5 of the time it would have taken me. Now we are heading to bed and not setting our alarm clocks. We'll know more tomorrow about when exactly we can bring Caleb home, but it shouldn't be any later than Tuesday evening.

Caleb Tries Out Mama's Favorite Nap Spot

Safe in Daddy's Arms

Hang in there, Little Man!

2007-03-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 29

A PRECIOUS GIFT INDEED
As Leah and I sat in the waiting room tonight waiting for an hour and a half for Caleb to return to the nursery from Katrina's room, I was reminded of something. It is a gift from God, and from Katrina, that we have been able to be with him at all today. Some birth mothers choose not to let the adoptive parents even see the baby until they have the court documents showing them as the legal guardians. This is their right. Katrina chose not to exercise that right and even went a step further and granted us the freedom to visit him in the nursery without her being present.

Having Leah there with me during the wait was also a tremendous blessing. She has a gift for keeping conversation flowing and was quite successful in finding topics to keep my mind on things other than the diffficult situation.

Several of the nurses also blessed me with their words and their attitudes. As one nurse was leading us to the waiting room, I mentioned I had some pictures for his (Caleb's) mom. She immediately replied with, "which mom?" I didn't catch her meaning right away but then realized it was her way of saying, "as far as I see it, you are just as much his mom." Later, when she came to get us, she said, "your baby is back." And as we were leaving, she said, "Congratulations!"

The nurse who was in Katrina's room with us this morning, told us (as we were leaving the room), "you're going to be great parents. God bless you." And she was still there this evening and recognized me immediately and went up to see if she could speed up the process of getting him returned to the nursery so I could be with him.

They also let Leah come into the nursery with me and had no problem with her holding him. Leah took the initiative to track down a blank "I'm a Boy" card (the kind they stick in the bassinet with his name and birth date and time) for me to fill out my way and include in his baby book.

It is such an affirmation that they can see how much we love Caleb and that they are eager to see him go home with us.

A DELIGHTFUL 30 MINUTES
When we got into the nursery, they set us up in a separate room with a rocker. It was balm for my soul to hold my son on my terms for as long as I wanted to. Caleb was sound asleep and even more beautiful (to me, at least) than I had remembered.

I was sad when I realized that he still didn't feel quite like my son. I think part of that is because I have had the privilege of holding quite a few babies that were only a few days old. I think another factor is that I can tell he hasn't bonded to me yet. And I kept starting to refer to us and Uncle Joe and Aunt Bop before quickly correcting myself. He was not unhappy to be in my arms, though, and I have no doubt this bond will come quickly when he can spend his days and nights with us.

And even though he was sleeping most of the time, we got a few glimpses of his eyes and they appear to be a very dark blue for now. In fact, as I said good-bye to him, he made good eye contact with me (and also with the lights). He made a few noises and they were sweet but no crying (which is good, I guess) so I'll have to wait a little longer to imprint that on my ears.

I kissed him...a lot. And I sang to him two of the lullabies he will hear for years to come: Sleep Sound in Jesus" and "He'll Wipe Away Your Tears" - both from one of my all time favorite lullaby CD's by Michael Card ("Sleep Sound in Jesus"). And most importantly, Leah and I both prayed for him.

ON TO MORE PICTURES

Together Again

Sleeping on Mama

Cheek to Cheek

Finally, a Kiss

"I already have more hair than my Daddy!"

Long Toes

Meeting Auntie Leah

A Kiss from Auntie Leah

Blissfully Unaware

And so, we're off to bed to rest for what will probably be another long day and we trust a chance for Caleb to rest in his Daddy's arms for awhile.

Thank you for your love, prayers and encouragement! And thank you, again, for all the comments (they come to my e-mail inbox, so I always read them) and e-mails.

2007-03-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 28

MEET CALEB

Here's our little boy!!!

HOSPITAL VISIT
We arrived at the hospital at 11 a.m. today. We sat in the waiting room with Kerry Ann and Amy until about 12:30 p.m. when Katrina was ready for us to come into the room. She was holding Caleb when we got there. Before too long she offered to let me hold him. I didn't hold him for too long before placing him back in her arms. Then, before Joseph had the opportunity to hold him (only about 15 minutes after going in), some hospital staff ushered us out because they needed to take pictures or something. ?!?!? We are baffled and more than a little frustrated that it had to happen right then. They told us it would be awhile before we could go back in so we went to the cafeteria to eat. I pretty much lost it at that point. We were totally spent. We had to remind ourselves to continue breathing and when we did it was hard to get a good breath.

On our way back up we stopped at the gift shop to pick up a gift for Katrina (we had also brought her flowers) and a calendar/planner for her to use to write down the dates for future visits (a suggestion the hospital social worker made). When we got back upstairs, Katrina was asleep so we could not go back in. There was a possibility that we might be able to be with Caleb in the nursery but after multiple searches, it was confirmed that Katrina had not yet signed the form consenting to these visits.

I think the hardest thing for me today was standing outside the nursery, hearing a baby crying and not knowing if it was my son. I don't yet recognize his cry and even if it was him, there was nothing I could have done for him.

THE LEGAL PROCESS
Katrina has still not signed the relinquishment form that will begin the 48 hours she has to revoke it. We continue to hope that she will sign this form rather than be discharged from the hospital without signing it. So, as it stands, Tuesday is the absolute earliest that we could get legal custody of Caleb. But, if she continues to stall tomorrow, it will continue to be pushed back.

If she does not sign it before being discharged, Caleb would go into the foster care system which would require us to get a foster license and wait for her rights to be relinquished or terminated before we could finalize the adoption.

Kerry Ann called after we returned home to say that Katrina had signed the form necessary for us to visit Caleb in the nursery at any time. I will be leaving here shortly with Leah (Joseph's sister, who will most likely have to just wait in the waiting room) to do just that. And this time, I'm going to be sure to kiss him, pray for him and sing to him before I have to leave him again. Joseph has decided to wait to go back until after church tomorrow. He felt it would just be too hard tonight after all we've been through.

MONDAY
There is a possibility that we might be able to bring him home on Monday (if she signs the relinquishment papers) by signing a form that we understand the risk of her changing her mind.

PRAYER REQUESTS
Of course, we want and trust God's will and timing. Our desire is that Katrina would sign the relinquishment first thing tomorrow, that we would be able to bring him home when he is discharged on Monday, and that she would not change her mind before our lawyer can go to court after the 48 hours and finalize our legal guardianship.

I don't know how to phrase this prayer request, perhaps I would ask for endurance for us. It is quite literally an effort to remember to breathe sometimes. We feel claustrophobic and utterly powerless (which we know means God gets all the glory!). I find myself half wishing I could get some Valium and/or sleeping pills and just sleep until we get the call to come to the hospital to bring him home. I know this is not necessary because God will continue to sustain us as he has but perhaps it gives you a picture of how thoroughly spent we are, both emotionally and physically. We have not been sleeping well and are only eating because we know it is absolutely necessary.

LOOKING FORWARD
The picture is not totally bleak and I apologize if I have painted it that way. It sounds like one way or another, we will be able to be with him, making decisions for him on Monday (either at the hospital, at the foster home, or Lord willing in our home and as his legal guardians).

We are eagerly looking forward to worshiping our great God with His people tomorrow. We ask that you understand if we just don't feel like talking about this much. We're pretty raw right now.

Thank you for your prayers.

2007-03-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 27

GETTING THROUGH THE DAY
God has been sustaining us today as only a perfect, loving Father could. That's not to say there haven't been plenty of tears (on my part). Joseph has been such a source of strength for me today. It has been a blessing that he did not have to work and could work on the house and field most of the phone calls. (Especially while I was trying to fit in a couple of hours of work for my new job, for a great boss who graciously extended a deadline for me.)

And then there's all of you. We do not deserve to have so many people loving on us with their prayers and words of encouragement, and taking the time to follow all these little details of our life. We hope you know what a blessing you ALL are.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT CALEB
First of all, there may be more to Caleb's name than we had planned. We found out that Katrina really wanted him to have the name Andrew. While we were not prepared to make that his first name, we are praying about incorporating it with the other two we had already picked out. I don't think there's any debate about Caleb being the first name, though, so feel free to keep referring to him by name. :)

We finally found out about an hour ago that he weighed 7 pounds and measured 21 inches at birth. And the official time of birth was 10:56 a.m. (rather than 10:57). Kerry Ann said he is very cute with brownish/reddish hair. He is healthy (an answer to many specific prayers!) and eating very well. He should be cleared to leave the hospital on Monday morning (unless, of course, his health took a turn for the worse).

As things stand now, we are scheduled to go meet him at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow (Saturday, March 17th). We really hope it happens then, but we are beginning to hold plans more and more loosely.

ANSWERED PRAYER
The people working with Katrina throughout the day were able to get her calmed down and she settled back with her plan of placing Caleb with us. If things continue on the current trajectory, Kerry Ann will present her with the relinquishment papers tomorrow morning. If she does indeed sign them, our lawyer will go to court Monday (48 hours from the time of day she signs tomorrow) and do the necessary work to make us Caleb's legal guardians. If things go as smoothly as they could, it would mean we could bring Caleb home on Monday. Again, we're really trying not to get our hearts set on that but we would love for you to pray to that end. If Katrina will stay in the hospital until then and is agreeable to it, we would like to have a little ceremony. We have invited our pastors to join us at the hospital prior to discharge to pray with/for Katrina and us.

And so, after facing all kinds of alternative possibilities throughout the day today, we're back to where we were last night.

We are relieved to say the least. I am very thankful that we have had plenty of things to do to stay busy. It's actually a blessing that our house was in desperate need of attention.

I don't plan to post again until after we have met Caleb unless something else comes up. And we will definitely post pictures at that point.

KEEP PRAYING
Kerry Ann said, "Have people keep praying! God is answering!" I thought you might be encouraged to know that you are praying alongside saints in the following countries: Austria, Brazil, Hungary, Italy, Malawi, Mexico and Qatar; and the following States: Arizona, California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia and Washington. ***edit (10:06 p.m. 03.16.07) also in Wisconsin!***

Wow, writing that all out is incredibly humbling and an exciting picture of the Church!

Good night.

2007-03-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 26

"WE COVET YOUR PRAYERS"
I am posting here the e-mail that I sent out this morning to many of you who read this blog. No need to reread it here, I just wanted to have it as part of the blog. I will also work on a new post in the next few minutes so if you see this as the most recent post, check back within the hour.

Dear Family and Friends,

Some of what you read in this e-mail will be a repeat for many of you, BUT there is some "breaking news" here, so if you have the time (and the emotional energy), please do read through it.

For those who hadn't heard any of this yet, here's an overview (if you want the more complete version, check out our blog):

Monday night (March 12th) we got a call from Kerry Ann (birthparent counselor of our adoption agency) telling us she had a 21 year old birthmom she wanted to present our profile to
the baby boy was due March 23, 2007 and the ultrasound showed that he has only one kidney
after getting all the info Kerry Ann had on the situation, we told her we would definitely want to be considered
Tuesday afternoon (March 13th), we spoke on the phone for about 20 minutes with both Kerry Ann and Katrina (birthmom); Katrina had some really good questions for us and the conversation went better than we could have imagined
about an hour after that conversation, Kerry Ann called us back to tell us that Katrina had selected us to adopt her baby
Thursday morning (March 15th) we met Katrina at a Denny's and spent 2 hours with her, Kerry Ann and Amy (Katrina's social worker); again, the meeting went better than we could have imagined; Amy really expressed excitement and told Katrina she thought she had made the right choice in us (she had considered a total of 5 families, from 2 agencies);
Thursday evening (March 15th) we got a call from Kerry Ann saying Katrina had preeclampsia and the hospital was going to induce her that night
Friday morning (today) we spoke with our lawyer (our agency connected us with him and we have a lot of confidence in his knowledge and experience); he explained the ins and outs of the process that would take place between now and the day the baby will finally, legally be our son;
not too long after we got off the phone with the lawyer, Kerry Ann called to say the baby was just about to be born but suggested we ask friends to really be praying and I'll go into why in a minute
At 10:57 a.m. Friday, March 16, 2007 Caleb John (we hope, pray and trust, Zerfoss) was born at the UW Hospital in Seattle; we don't know his weight or height yet; when Kerry Ann called, she said he looks good and that they will be doing blood tests and making sure his one kidney is functioning well;
and a follow-up call from Maddy (our caseworker) around 11:45 a.m. (while I was writing the rest of the e-mail below) brought a HUGE praise: Caleb's reflexes are very good and he is the regular nursery, NOT the NICU; apparently to everyone who knew more about Katrina's history this was really surprising - they were pretty sure he'd be in the NICU; so PRAISE GOD FOR THIS GREAT NEWS!

Now to the matter we really do covet your prayers for. The first time Kerry Ann called this morning, she was very calm but wanted us to know that Katrina had started going back and forth on whether she really does want to place him for adoption. This is disheartening but also very understandable (especially considering she has been in labor and was about to give birth). She doesn't really have much of a life to go back to after this and the thought of having some purpose and direction could have a lot to do with her wavering. She is also at a very fragile state of emotional/mental health.

Kerry Ann assured me that the hospital staff have stated in no uncertain terms that they will not let this baby leave the hospital with Katrina. In which case, if she doesn't willingly sign the parental rights relinquishment papers, CPS would take custody of the child. However, if CPS knows that there is a family that was planning to adopt this baby, they will work toward making that happen. Kerry Ann said he would be placed with a very good foster family (one our agency works with frequently for situations just like this) and we would be able to be with him there whenever we want. She also told me that this hospital is great about adoptions and no one there will be trying to prevent it. Katrina's social worker, Amy has been with her at the hospital since last night, I think. According to Kerry Ann, Amy is very excited about this baby coming into our family. She is very familiar with our church and we even have mutual accquaintance. From what I observed at our meeting with them all yesterday, Amy is maybe the one person in the world that Katrina trusts the most. (Though Kerry Ann has also quickly won quite a bit of her trust, too.)

We can't tell you how comforting it is to know that we have so many loved ones who we can call on and who will lift us up in prayer to our Heavenly Father. We know that He is not only not surprised by any of these events so far, but that he is ORCHESTRATING them, for HIS GLORY and OUR GOOD (and we trust for Katrina's good, as well).

While in a way we would like to talk to so many of you (if not all of you) in person and answer every one of your questions, for now, we really feel the need to streamline the communication process and keep our phone and time free for the calls we need to take from caseworkers, lawyers, etc. We also have some things around the house here we need to get done. From this point on, we will probably focus on keeping the blog as up to date as possible, so if you are wondering what's new, please check there. And we're not saying you can't call, we are just saying we may not answer. I also know that even though I will want to, I won't be able to reply personally to all your loving, thoughtful e-mails. But they do really mean a lot to us, so please keep them coming. I hope to some day put them all into a document for Caleb to read when he is older to see just how much he was prayed for and anticipated.

And to answer what is probably your most pressing question: we really have no idea at this point when we will be able to visit Caleb, nor when we will be bringing him home. You will certainly find a post on our blog after we have met him. And I think to protect our hearts, we're going to try to resist predicting when we'll have him home and instead focus on what we can do to prepare for that day.

Thank you for taking the time to read our updates. Thank you for your prayers. We will never be able to thank you enough, nor will we really ever know what it would have been like to go through this without them. One of our agency workers called this morning and confirmed what we had suspected: this is not anywhere close to what they usually expect in an adoption scenario. This process is always expected to be an emotional roller coaster and we have had it compressed into less than 5 days so far. Talk about intense. And yes, we are feeling a little worn out.

With Affection,
Elizabeth & Joseph

2007-03-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 25

SAY WHAT?!?!?
Well, I had intended my next post to be about our meeting with Katrina this morning. The short answer is that it went very well and that we are more burdened for her than ever. She is scared and depressed and so much more. Thank you so much for praying for her. We long to see God just overwhelm her with His presence, comfort, love and peace.

This might be one of my shortest posts ever because I'm on my way out the door to spend the evening with Leah (Joseph's sister) and a friend.

BUT, I just got a phone call from Kerry Ann saying that at the doctor's appointment (I did not end up going, which is okay and hopefully I can come back to that later) they decided to INDUCE her TONIGHT because she has preeclampsia.

Our next step will most likely be visiting Katrina and Caleb at the hospital tomorrow and then as much as Katrina is up for between then and Monday when we should be able to bring him home (if I understand all of this correctly).

I am speechless and so I will leave it at that.

2007-03-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 24

MEETING KATRINA
I'll try to keep this brief. I am delightedly exhausted and I'm not sure I can be coherent at this point but I want to keep everyone up to date.

Before I do that, though, I just have to say how blown away and blessed we have been by the outpouring of e-mails and phone calls. Not to mention the prayers. We feel so incredibly loved and supported, words fail me to express our appreciation. My joy and excitement have been greatly intensified by having so many loved ones to share it with.

Today I spoke with our caseworker, Maddy, and we discussed what our communication agreement might look like. I wish I could explain the thoughts and process behind this a little better because I know there is often concern that arises when you hear the words "open adoption." But Joseph and I have worked through a lot of those concerns and we are really convinced that the benefits outweigh the potential challenges and we are very comfortable with what Maddy suggested. I'll wait to go into those details until they are more firm though. Suffice to say, we will agree to some visits and to sending letters and pictures from time to time.

We also have an appointment tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. with Katrina and Kerry Ann and Katrina's social worker. Maddy won't be able to be there for this meeting.

Then, and this is the part I am really excited (and at least a little bit nervous) about, Katrina has invited me to join her at 3 p.m. for her doctor's appointment. I am blown away that she would extend this invitation to me without even having met me face to face.

Well, there you have some specifics to pray for. And I will most likely post again tomorrow evening so keep checking back.

We cannot say it enough and words don't really do it justice, but THANK YOU!!!

2007-03-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 23

THOUGHTS OF PRAISE
Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love.
We may trust Him fully all for us to do;
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest,
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?
We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep, grounded firm and deep
In the Savior’s love, the Savior’s love.

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
Though the tempest rage and the wild winds blow,
Not an angry wave shall our bark o’erflow.
We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep, grounded firm and deep
In the Savior’s love, the Savior’s love.

These are a few of the many songs that have brought me much comfort and moved me to tears for many years. I am finding even now that they lift my soul, because they remind me of where my hope and joy really are: in Christ alone!

My heart echoes some of Mary's prayer:

My sould magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for He has looked on the humble estate of His servant.
He has filled the hungry with good things.

I must confess, I am humbled to see how God blesses us and grants the desires of our heart in spite of our wavering faith. What a comfort it is to know that His faithfulness to us is steadfast and endures forever.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in His holy habitation.
He settles the solitary in a home;
He leads out the prisoners to prosperity.

I have so often read this verse thinking in terms of the child that would come to us being the solitary one, but today my prayer is that He would settle Katrina in a home, especially a church home where she can experience the love of Christ through His people.

I am also praying for the other two families that were not chosen. We know from experience the bitter disappointment that can be and our delight is also their sadness.

2007-03-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 22

ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?!?
We have been chosen to raise Katrina's son as our own!!!!! Talk about "shock and awe." Praise God with us.

We asked Kerry Ann if she could share with us some of the factors that went into Katrina choosing us. She really liked that Joseph plays the guitar and that music is a big part of our life. She liked that we want more children but that right now he would be our only child. She felt like we were the most "ready" of the families she spoke with (and I guess she did have phone interviews with the others). She picked up on a comment Joseph made about us not being able to have children.

We will be meeting Katrina in person in the next day or two. We will also be meeting with a lawyer soon to begin on the legal paperwork.

We cannot thank you enough for your prayers that have encouraged and supported us to this point. But please, don't stop praying now. Please pray that God would give Katrina eyes to see Christ and that He would graciously meet her very real needs of love, housing and employment. Pray that we could really minister to her as well as her baby. Pray for Caleb John (the name we have chosen for our son) and his health and a safe delivery. Pray for all the details that have yet to come together. Pray that our eyes would be fixed on Christ and God's glory.

I really will do my best to keep this as current as possible. We wish we could call each and every one of you with each detail as it developes but that would not be humanly possible (which is why we set up this blog in the first place, I guess).

Thank you again for walking this (long) journey with us. This is not the end but the scenery sure is changing fast.

2007-03-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 21

ONE OF THOSE THINGS THEY DON'T TEACH YOU IN SCHOOL:
TALKING TO A BIRTHMOM
Well, my hands are still a little shaky. We just got off the phone after about a 20 minute conversation with the birthmom, Katrina, and the birthparent counselor, Kerry Ann.

Our hearts are so burdened for this mom. She has had so many things going against her for most of her life. She had some really good questions for us. She asked what kind of activities we would do with a little boy; she asked what our house was like and whether we have a room for a kid; she asked how we plan to discipline; she asked if Joseph plays the guitar and how music is a big part of our lives. The most heartwrenching question, though, was based on her own childhood. Apparently, she had been adopted by a family and then returned to foster care. She wanted to know how we could assure her that we would not do this to a child we would adopt.

God certainly answered prayer with regard to this conversation. (We had found out this morning that it might be taking place today.) It definitely went far better than I had been imagining it in my mind all throughout the day.

So now, Kerry Ann is going to spend some more time talking things over with Katrina and they might call us back later tonight.

If nothing else, it is good to have an experience of interacting with a birthparent under our belt. It was encouraging to see God work and give us the words, and to see that we really were able to be true to who we are.

I apologize if this is incoherent and rambling. As you can imagine, the last 24 hours have been a bit of a whirlwind.

Oh, and a few more details than I gave yesterday: the mom is 21 years old and has gotten her prenatal care at the University of Washington Hospital; the ultrasound shows that the baby is a boy and that he has only one kidney (but as my Daddy prayed this morning, it almost seems as if God has built into our bodies spare parts by giving us 2 of a lot of things we can survive with only 1 of).

I was driving home this afternoon and I realized that this is the first time neither of us has asked God for "this to be the one." It's not that we wouldn't love for this to be our baby. It's just that we can honestly say now (and maybe this wasn't always true) that we don't just want a child, we really want only the child God has for us.

Stay tuned...

2007-03-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 20

READY OR NOT...HERE WE GO AGAIN
Okay, I'm going to hold off on going into any details at this point. If this situation moves to a next step we haven't encountered yet, I'll post about that. For now I'll just say that our profile is being presented (by our agency) to another birthmother whose baby is due March 23rd. Of course, they will present her with two other profiles as well.

I really believe we can honestly say, "Lord, your will be done," and mean it. We are continuing to learn, and we are believing more and more that we truly can trust that He knows the baby and birthparents that need us in their lives and that we need in our lives.

And, even though we've been praying for God to bring us our baby soon, we're not feeling quite "recovered" emotionally from our last experience. So, as always, please pray for us!

2007-02-27T21:17:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 19

CONCLUSION
Okay, I'm going to go back and give a little more clarifying information. Our longtime friend, Lois, goes to church with Arlene. Arlene is one of the people who has been working with and counseling the birthmom, Jessica. Jessica's daughter is Gracie. One of the pieces of this whole puzzle was the fact that Jessica had a 3-day jail sentence to serve (as I understand, it had to do with a traffic violation). Maddy is our caseworker and Kerry Ann is the birthparent counselor at Antioch Adoptions.

On Friday of last week, I decided to e-mail Maddy and Kerry Ann to see if they had heard anything further. Maddy replied and told me that Kerry Ann had not been able to meet with Jessica prior to her jail sentence.

Yesterday Lois told me that Jessica had placed Gracie in the care of a family (who have 3 other children) during her jail sentence and, not surprisingly, they grew very attached to Gracie very quickly and really wanted to adopt her.

I spoke with Arlene this evening and she told me that after an emotionally draining meeting with Jessica and the family caring for Gracie, Jessica has asked them to adopt her.

Thank you all for your prayers for us. God has been and continues to answer them. Most importantly, He is sustaining our faith in His sovereignty and goodness. He is enabling us to accept that Gracie was not meant to grow up in our home and that He will bring us the children that are at the time that is right for us and for them. As my Daddy pointed out, this was certainly a good reminder to us that our God has resources we know nothing about. And God has also answered prayers by guarding us from being consumed by this.

Nonetheless, we are sad. I think I can speak for both of us in saying that we are emotionally drained and simply weary of waiting. And on a human level, there are things that are just really hard to accept. For example, that a family that already has 3 children would pursue adopting a little baby when they hadn't intended to and when there are so many couples out there with none who are looking to adopt. It's hard to face the fact that we are back at square one and could go for months again without hearing anything.

One thing that I have realized through this is that in my heart of hearts, I am most deeply longing for a newborn. But at the same time, I know I would take a 3 month old or even a two year old in a heartbeat if they were placed in my arms. I have found such peace in the fact that God knows and understands my longing far better than I do and that He knows whether or not it needs to be fulfilled.

And so, if you are not too weary of praying for us, we covet your continued prayers. And here are some suggestions if you'd like some specific things to pray for:

continued strength of faith in God's goodness and care for us
patience
that the time between when we find out about our child and when we bring them home would be short (no more than one or two months)
that we would be able to bring our baby home from the hospital (in other words, that it would be a newborn)
that it would be soon

2007-02-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 19

CONTINUED PART 2
Still waiting...

We haven't heard from anyone since Saturday. We'll keep you posted. Thanks for asking and checking.

2007-02-19T14:17:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 19

CONTINUED
On Saturday, we got a phone call from Kerry Ann (Antioch Adoptions birthparent counselor). She had received a phone message from someone involved with the birthmom. I was able to fill her in with all the information I had which added pieces to the puzzle for her. She was able to speak to some of our questions.

I'm sorry this is all as vague as it is but I feel it's important to respect the mom's privacy and not disclose too many personal details.

We continue to find it difficult to not get our hopes up. I was struck by something I read in James 1:2 & 3 this morning. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." It prompted me to pray that even if the outcome of this is not what we are hoping for, our faith in God's goodness and care for us would remain steadfast. To be honest that has not always been the case. With the disappointments, there have often been seasons of weak faith. But I don't want that to be the case. I desire to have a faith that is steadfast and not shaken by my circumstances.

I thank you for your ongoing prayers for us. I haven't asked Joseph directly, but speaking for myself, I can say that I haven't been consumed by this. That's not to say that it isn't on my mind a lot, but not every second of every minute and I believe that's an answer to prayer.

2007-02-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 19

I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL IRONIC
(Just in terms of the timing of having just posted about not hearing of anything.)

Through a good friend, we heard yesterday of a birthmother that is looking for a family to adopt her two month old daughter. We contacted our case worker to confirm the proper way to proceed. We will be getting the birthmother a copy of our picture profile over this weekend and we have given her the contact information of the birthparent counselor at Antioch Adoptions.
(We have not actually spoken with the birthmother.)

There are, of course, many variables and unknowns. Above all, we are praying for God's best for this little baby and her parents. And we are praying that He would guard our hearts.

Please join us in praying for this girl and her mother. And you can pray for us, too. You could pray that we would not be consumed by this. You could pray for wisdom for us to know how to proceed if we are presented with a "next step" decision. You could pray that regardless of the outcome, our faith would be strengthened. You could pray that we could reflect the love of Christ to this family. You could pray whatever the Spirit prompts you to (and please feel free to share that with us).

I will really try to keep updating this as we have more information to share. Thanks for riding this roller coaster with us.

2007-02-14T21:27:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 18

NOTHING NEW
We hope your Christmas celebrations were wonderful and that your "New Year" is off to a great start. (Is February really already half over?!) We had a delightful Christmas. It's always a treat to head back East to be with my whole family. (This picture was taken while we were there.) And the highlight of the trip was officially welcoming my oldest brother's girlfriend into the family when they got engaged on December 30th.

It really means a lot that so many of you check in with us from time to time to see how things are progressing on the adoption front. The reason you haven't heard anything new from us in quite awhile is that we haven't heard anything.

If you find yourself growing weary of hoping and/or praying for us, we understand. Words cannot express our gratitude for those of you who continue to faithfully bring our desire before the Giver of all good gifts. We don't pretend to understand His ways but He sustains our faith in His goodness.

We continue to make use of our "nursery" by hosting our nieces and nephew. But most of the time, we just keep the door shut because it makes us too sad to see it empty. In fact, there have been days when I was pretty close to disassembling the crib and packing everything away. But I realized it just makes things so much easier when the kids are here to have it all set up.

It's way too easy to become way too self absorbed and focused on what we don't have. I need to continually remind myself of how very blessed I am. Our pastor preached a very powerful sermon in December about "the one necessary thing" (from Luke 10:38-40). It was about how distracted we are by our passions, our jobs, our relationships, our wounds, etc. Here are a few quotes (yes, quotes; I went back and listened to it online and typed notes - or as Joseph called it, a transcript).

What is it that you expect that doesn't come and then you wonder if Christ really cares?
We each have our list of the things that must be done and our assumption is that Christ has signed onto them. And since our assumption is that God signed onto them, our assumption is that He wants to help us with them and we're bewildered by why He doesn't.
When did you sit in silence? When did you listen attentively? When did you let the discomfort of solitude and the noise of silence abide long enough for you to hear Christ speak His words to you about who He is and who you are and what He wants out of you?
Your wounds get in the way of your focus because you think God's primary concern is to heal your wounds and it might not be right now. He wants you to maybe just sit bleeding at His feet.
What's at the root of these common distractions except undisciplined desires and a heart that doesn't really believe that Christ is your all in all. It's a heart that is distracted, it's passions that are not given over to Christ, it's an immature vision of who He is and what He wants and for many it's an absolute fear of being still before Him. An absolute, abject fear over what will be found and what He will say and what it would mean to listen to that and to live that.
How secure are you that God cares for you? That God cares is concerned about your dreams and your passions and your wounds and your trials? If you are convinced or becoming convinced that God does not care, then you are worried about too many things, you have probably been distracted and you have not rested at the feet of Christ. The Bible says in Romans 8, He who has given you His own Son, will not withhold any good thing from you. You know what that means? That means God proved His love for you by the death and resurrection of His Son. And He says to you, then, "so what else could I do now, to prove that I’m on your side, that I care about you, that I watch over you? I have spent everything that can be spent. I've held nothing back. Please, don’t make me do little things for you to prove my love when my great big thing has not yet comforted you. Because one thing was necessary for me to do and that’s to send my Son, and one thing is necessary for you and that’s to sit at His feet."

Perhaps you can see from those quotes why it was such a convicting sermon. [If you're interested in listening to the whole thing, go here and listen to the December 10, 2006 sermon.]

Well, I hope you didn't see this long post and get your hopes up that it would contain lots of updated adoption news. I tried to give it a title that would not be misleading. In fact, I'm not sure if it even deserves its own chapter but, oh well...

I'll sign off with a picture that captures my family pretty well. As you can see, sometimes Joseph just isn't quite sure what to make of us. But we have a lot of fun. (By the way, that's Jason and his fiancee, Heather in the front right. These portraits were taken only a few short hours after he had proposed.)

2006-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 17

THE WAITING CONTINUES
They say "no news is good news." I guess "they" were never on an adoption waiting list. We just thought we'd check in to let you know that the reason you haven't found any recent updates here is because we haven't heard anything further. Thanks for checking in and caring enough to follow what's going on in our lives.

We wish you a joyous Christmas!

2006-10-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 16

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE BEGINS
When I think about the roller coasters I’ve been on, it seems like a lot of them begin with on long climb followed by one of the longest, steepest drops of the whole ride. The ride up can sometimes feel like you’re moving in slow motion and is often accompanied by a slow, steady clicking sound. And even though you know what is about to happen, there is really no way to prepare for it so that it doesn’t take your breath away.

I think this analogy really goes a long way toward explaining what we have experienced over the last month. And there’s a pretty good likelihood that we have more of the same to “look forward to.” But hopefully, as is the case with many roller coasters, once you’ve survived the first drop, the rest aren’t quite as thrilling. And even if you go on the same ride again, it still doesn’t have the same effect as that first time.

The week of September 17^th, I began to pray that we would hear something from our case worker that week. I think I even prayed that she would call with the news that they were presenting our profile to some birthparents. And I also asked God that if not that week that at least by my birthday (September 26^th) we would hear something. The week came and went and on Monday, September 25^th I was disappointed but again prayed that we would still at least hear something by the next day.

That afternoon (Monday), I noticed we had some messages on our answering machine and figured I should probably listen to them to make sure there weren’t any that needed follow up. Imagine the thrill of finding a message from Maddy (our case worker) telling us that they had some birthparents they wanted to give our profile to. After listening to it, I realized I should go back and check when she left it. Well, it turns out it was the previous week on Friday afternoon. God had answered my initial prayer request and I hadn’t even realized it.

She gave us some details about the situation that were very exciting and really gave us hope that this could be an answer to some specific prayers. Probably most significant was that the baby is due the end of November—perfect timing to bring our baby home in time to take them to Virginia at Christmas to meet my family.

Since this initial step is so tentative, we decided to only share it with a few people, including our families. It was great to see them all very excited and hopeful for us and to hear this as an answer to some of their prayers for us as well. And then we had that slow “clicking” of waiting to hear further. Maddy had said in her message that they would be presenting the profiles the week of September 24^th and that they were expecting the birthparents to have chosen a family to meet with by the first week of October.

By Tuesday, October 3^rd, we hadn’t heard anything further, so I e-mailed Maddy asking where things stood and if she could please be sure to let us know when they had made their decision.

On Thursday afternoon, as I was enjoying my nieces for the day (I don’t doubt that God ordained that timing as a means of comfort for me), I got the phone call from her that let us know the birthparents had chosen another family to meet with. And so, our roller coaster had crested that first hill and plummeted.

After a good cry, I decided to cling to the hope that this wasn’t a final “NO.” The birthparents could, theoretically, after meeting with another family, decide to meet with us after all. But that evening, during an ordination service sermon, God began challenging me. “What is it that you are holding onto that was never yours to claim in the first place but you’re unwilling to let go of?” That’s probably not a verbatim quote but it’s pretty close to what the pastor said. I balked. “Lord, you can’t possibly be asking me to let go yet again?!?”

But He was. I wish I could say that as soon as I recognized it, I humbly submitted. Instead, I argued with God for about a week. I reminded Him how much I have already let go of up to this point. He pointed out that His job is not to sign off on the plans I come up with. Instead, He makes the plans and doesn’t even have to let me in on what they are.

Joseph amazed me with his selfless perspective. While I was still pretty much plain mad, he told me that he’d been praying for the birthparents and for the family they chose, that things would work out for them. I just wasn’t there.

In His mercy and time, God did bring me to a place of trust and submission, a willingness to believe the truths that I know but sometimes find so hard to live by. Then He continued to confirm these lessons from multiple sources.

First, I sat down with a Bible study I hadn’t worked on in about a month. In God’s providence, the chapter I was on was a study of meekness. (The study is Renewing the Heart…for Women: Life Principles from the Beatitudes by Barbara Henry.) Here are some quotes that jumped off the page at me:

The meek have a spirit that has relinquished the need to control and can rest content in humble dependence on God. Meekness is letting God have His way with us.

The meek are able to turn their lives over to God because of their willingness to allow Him to change their hearts: to make them patient, teachable, and submissive.

“Turning [our lives] over” happens moment by moment as we let go of our own designs and independence…

W. E. Vine defines meekness as “an inwrought grace of the soul…in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting.”

Gregory Mantle wrote the following, “The great sin of man has always been in this direction: a preference of his own will to the will of God; a preference of his own inclinations for God’s obligations.”

Then, I went back to using the Valley of Vision in my private worship time. Again, I picked up where I had left off back in June. Here are some quotes from a few of the prayers:

Give me a heart frameable to thy will.

Let me know that the work of prayer is to bring my will to thine.

When I try to bring thy will to mine it is to command Christ, to be above him, and wiser than he: this is my sin and pride.

I can only succeed when I pray according to thy precept and promise, and to be done with as it pleases thee, according to thy sovereign will.

Teach me that there is no wrath like the wrath of being governed by my own lusts for my own ends.

Give me unwavering faith that supplications are never in vain, that if I seem not to obtain my petitions I shall have larger, richer answers, surpassing all that I ask or think.

Unsought, thou hast given me the greatest gift, the person of thy Son, and in him thou wilt give me all I need.

In addition to my personal study, God continues to confirm these lessons through the preached Word on Sunday mornings.

And so, we are back to waiting. And I think I have moved from being angry that my “plan” was thwarted to simply mourning that we still don’t have those longed for children in our home yet.

2006-09-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 15

PRAYER APPRECIATED
We would greatly appreciate your prayers during this time of waiting. After almost 8 years of asking God to grow our family, I think we are simply weary of waiting. We have seen Him do so much in us over the years and are thankful that they were by no means wasted.

SPECIFICS TO PRAY
The following are some specific ways I have been praying:

-That God would bring our child(ren) to us in time for us all to travel back to DC to spend Christmas with my family.

-That God would bring our child(ren) to us in time for them to be baptized before our church starts meeting in two separate locations.

-That both birthparents would be in the picture, making the decision together which home to place their child in.

-That the birthmom would be towards the end 0f her pregnancy rather than the beginning when they make their decision to place their child with us.

-That the birthparents might already know Christ. I realize this may seem like a strange thing to pray but I am.

Those of you that know me well, know that I tend to be pretty specific in my prayer requests. Part of that is because I have seen God answer such specific prayer requests many times. And let me tell you, that's pretty cool. Of course there have been specific things I have prayed for that have not come to pass but in God's providence, the ones that stand out in my mind are the ones that do.

2006-08-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 14

THE WAITING OFFICIALLY BEGINS
So, I finally have the 3 copies of our completed picture profile in hand and, Lord willing, I will be dropping them off at the Antioch Adoptions office tomorrow after work. (I won't bore you with the hassle and frustrations that went into the printing process. Suffice to say, I have no doubt it was a part of my sanctification process!) Before I took the profile to the printers, I took it by the office and got great feedback from the two Antioch Adoptions workers we've been dealing with most recently. That was very encouraging.

And with that, we have finally completed our tasks and are left to pray and wait. We are so eager to see who and what God has in store for us and, in the mean time, we have been thoroughly enjoying our second niece, Adelaide, born to Joseph's sister and her family on Saturday, August 12th. Her early arrival (by 9 days) was an answer to my prayers. I was just aching to hold babies and I've had plenty of opportunities for that now.

We're hoping to get together with our PRIDE group in September. Several families have had placements since we last got together and we are eager to meet their children and hear their stories. And last Sunday, we got to meet our pastor's 3 month old daughter that they just brought home from the East Coast. It was such a blessing to see their longing fulfilled in this beautiful little girl.

I think if I keep writing, I'll just end up rambling. I really have no idea when I'll write another update. I don't imagine it would be until we find out that our profile will be presented to some birthparents.

2006-07-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 13

THE HOMESTUDY REVISITED
We got an e-mail last week from our homestudy worker. She and another Antioch Adoptions staff member felt that there needed to be some follow up on one specific aspect. The next person who sees our homestudy will be the judge who would be finalizing the adoption and they want to make sure they have covered everything satisfactorily. We had that appointment last night and both felt like it went really well even though it was pretty intense. Mandy asked us to put a few more thoughts on the topic down on paper in our own words, so we hope to do that this week.

We have decided to pray that God would provide us with a judge who is a follower of Christ when it comes to that time. We feel like there is so much in our homestudy that might be hard for someone to understand if they don't grasp the reality of God's transforming power. He has done so much in us and who we are today only makes sense if you believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. We would certainly appreciate you joining us in this prayer.

I didn't end up finishing the profile before my sister's arrival here, but I now have over a week off work so I'm pretty hopeful I'll be able to finish it up by the time I go back to work. You can definitely be praying for that, too.

2006-07-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 12

THE BIRTHPARENT LETTER
This is one of those things that we have been procrastinating and has therefore felt like it was hanging over our heads. Sort of the last big hurdle of what we have left to do. It's obviously something we've never done before and we know it is very important that it's done well.

Joseph's initial thought was that he would write a draft on his own and then we could fine-tune it together (we had already talked about the general ideas we wanted to include). He was hoping to do it sometime this week but by Thursday he hadn't had a chance to.

That Thursday night, even though we didn't go to bed until midnight, I couldn't fall asleep (not usually a problem for me) and I got to thinking about some ways to phrase things in the letter. I decided to get up and put my thoughts down on paper...or rather the computer screen. I knew it was just a start. There were several paragraphs that were obviously incomplete but it gave us something to work with. I read it to him the next day and he thought it was a good start. Since he worked all day Saturday, I wasn't sure when we'd actually get a chance to finish it.

This morning, as we were getting ready for church, he suggested that when we get home from church we take a little nap and then work on the letter. Sometimes we set goals like this (like getting to bed at a decent time) but I think we both kind of know it probably won't happen. But this felt different, more like a commitment we were making to each other. And we did follow through on it.

After our nap, we printed out a copy and sat outside (on a beautiful Seattle summer day) and talked through it. We decided to rearrange some of the paragraphs and add to some of what was there. Joseph then took it and re-wrote it. He did a great job editing the wording and fleshing it out. One of the things Antioch Adoptions suggested in their guidelines for writing the letter was, "chances are, if you don't get warm fuzzies reading it, the birthparent won't either." Joseph definitely made it more "fuzzy" than it was to begin with.

While he was doing that, I put together the "About Us" page and I then e-mailed them both to Maddy. She looks them over and makes suggestions to improve it.

As I did with the cultural plan, I'll post here what we ended up with.

Dear Birthparents,

Right now you are considering what may be the hardest decision you will ever have to make. We want you to know how much we respect you for getting to this place in your journey. It truly shows a love for your child that, frankly, not every parent has. No matter which adoptive family you choose for your child, you are placing their needs and best interests before your own desires and we really admire that. We feel very honored that you would even consider giving us the opportunity to love your child and welcome them into our home.

Our story begins with our wedding ten years ago. Before we were married we often talked about having children and were both excited about starting our family together. A couple years later we felt the time was right and started asking God to bless our home with many children. Much to our sadness and confusion, this was not His plan. We still believe that God knows what He is doing and that He has put the desire in our hearts to begin pursuing adoption. Even before we were married, we had talked about wanting a family that included adopted as well as biological children. We believe that God has children for us and we are excited to find out who they are.

As we hope you can see from the pictures in the following pages, we really love and enjoy children. Ever since we’ve been married, we’ve had lots of friends, and sometimes even acquaintances, leave their children in our care for an hour, a day, a weekend and a few times even for a whole week. These have been great opportunities to experience parenting first hand, at least for a little while. We have always come away even more excited about raising our own children. More recently, we have experienced an even deeper enjoyment of children as they have come into our family. Our first niece was born in October 2004 to Joseph’s sister Leah and our first nephew in January 2005 to Joseph’s brother Nathan. Their names are Lily and Josiah and they both live in our area so we have been able to spend lots of time with them. We have been asked to be godparents and legal guardians for both of them. This has been the closest we have ever felt to being parents and we have loved it!

You will also see in these pictures a lot about us and about what is important to us. We really enjoy spending time together, just being with each other regardless of what we’re doing. We are very affectionate with each other and have a home full of love that we want to share with our children. We have been blessed with good communication and try our best to resolve differences in a loving way. We also value having time at home together and really work at keeping our schedule from getting too full. Family is very important to us and we try to spend a lot of time with them. Joseph’s family lives very close so we have more opportunity to see them. Elizabeth’s family lives in the Washington D.C. Area but we usually get to take a trip to see them at least once a year. We try to alternate Christmases with each family.

We also want you to know that our faith in God plays a central role in our lives. We look forward to Sunday all week and love to spend time with our church family. Our children will be raised in a Christian home and be taught from the time they are born that they are loved by God and belong to Him.

It is our desire to have a warm, open relationship with the birthparents of our child and we want to find healthy ways to help them nurture a lifelong relationship. We want our child to feel loved and supported by all of their parents, biological and adoptive.

Thank you for taking the time to look at our profile. We just want to say again how much we respect you for loving your child in this way. Whether you choose us or another family we are confident that God will lead you right where He wants you. May the Lord bless you and strengthen you in this journey. We are praying for you.

2006-07-09T22:48:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 11

THE WAITING BEGINS
We had a good meeting with Maddy. She is the primary one we will be working with from here on out. She asked us about what we are looking for in a relationship with birthparents and gave us some cautions about how long the wait could be (they have some couples who have been waiting for 2 years to go the route we are going) and about how much of an emotional roller coaster the process can be. I think we have done as good a job as is possible of bracing ourselves for this. And we are no strangers to waiting for a long time and to emotional roller coasters. I have no doubt that this will be different, but I hope what we have already been through will keep us from being blindsided.

THE PICTURE PROFILE
Before our meeting with Maddy, I had finally gotten all the pictures together and had even gotten several pages put together. We showed her what we had so far and she strongly recommended adding captions to the pictures. She said that's something the birthparents almost always comment on and remember. We had initially planned to do this, but as I had gotten into it, I was leaning toward just putting the cropped pictures on the page and leaving it at that (not even adding stickers, or anything which I normally do in my scrapbooks). I realized I was really having a hard time making this profile a good reflection of us and that has never been the case in all the scrapbooking I've done. I think somehow the pressure of knowing how significant this project was blocked my usual creative juices.

I decided I needed help and so I called Joseph's sister, Leah, who is an amazing scrapper. I love what she has done with all of her books and I also know that she is really good at narrowing down pictures to just the best few. She generously gave me most of her day last Monday and we made great headway. She helped me rearrange the order of the pages, add creative touches to the ones I had already done to make them much more fun and interesting and reflective of us. Then we dug into the piles of pictures for the other pages. She made suggestions which ones to leave out, what paper and stickers to use and then she did a lot of the mundane work (like cropping the pictures down and sticking them on the pages) and left the creative part to me. The book is now over two thirds done and for the remaining pages I already know which pictures to use.

The other part of the profile that needed to be done was the writing. We have to write what is called a "Dear Birthparent" letter which tells a little about us, why we want to adopt, etc. We have to put together an "About Us" page which is bullet points listing our names, ages, hobbies, schooling, etc. We also decided we wanted to include a page where we each write a paragraph or two about the other person. This isn't required but we saw it in one profile example and thought it was a great idea.

2006-06-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 10

REVISING THE CULTURAL PLAN
We got back our cultural plan with some suggested revisions. It was encouraging to see that we didn't need to change anything significantly. There were two paragraphs -- of the self-deprecating nature =) -- to delete and the paragraphs needed to be rearranged but other than that, it appears to be acceptable. I'm going to include it here for those of you that might be interested in what we ended up with.

While we understand that raising a child of a different racial/ethnic background from ours brings with it unique issues, our primary focus with our children will be to encourage them to find their identity in Christ. As Christians we are all called strangers and pilgrims. In a sense we are all foreigners living in an alien culture. What truly identifies us is our citizenship in heaven, not our skin color or ethnic make-up. In Christ we have more that unites us to fellow believers than separates us because of race.

Elizabeth has first hand experience of growing up in a culture different than the one she was born in. Because her parents were missionaries, she spent eleven years (age 4-15) in Austria. Her parents sought to affirm both cultures. In the home they spoke English and celebrated many American traditions. They also attended Austrian school and church where they spoke German. To this day the family enjoys many Austrian traditions which they have blended together with American ones to make a unique family culture. As a way to affirm and pass on this heritage, we plan to incorporate some of these same traditions in our family and pass them on to our children.

Probably our most important transracial experiences took place during college in downtown Chicago. Both of us had many opportunities to interact with other races, especially African-American children. Joseph was involved for a year in an after school program in a neighborhood in South Chicago. It was the first time in his life that he experienced being a minority. Every time he would go into South Chicago he was surrounded by African-Americans and Hispanics. Generally, from the time he got off the bus to the time he headed back up north, he would see maybe one or two other Caucasians. This was a very good experience for him and after a year he grew to be pretty comfortable in that situation. He really came to love the kids that he spent that year with. Elizabeth spent a year helping out with a Christian kids club for low-income children, almost exclusively African-American. The biggest thing she took away from that time was an affirmation of her love for children, regardless of race or economic situation.

Not knowing what ethnic background our child will have, it is difficult to say what specific resources we will use. We are committed to educating ourselves about our child’s racial/ethnic history and culture, as well as addressing issues such as caring for hair and skin that is different from ours. We found the Transracial Adoptions Forum, taught by Antioch Adoptions, to be very helpful. In the information given us, there are many resources listed that we will draw on as needed. Our next door neighbor and the family Elizabeth nannies for are both biracial families and we know we can count on them for helpful advice. We have also kept in close contact with our PRIDE group and several of them have already had transracial placements.

Our desire is to affirm our children as individuals for the unique gifts and abilities God has given them. Having said that, we realize that it is important to affirm where they came from and celebrate the heritage they have because of their race. We want to acknowledge that they look different than us and help them understand why that is. We want to help them embrace their differences and be glad that God has made them the way they are.

So, I made the revisions and sent it back to them today.

ANOTHER HOME VISIT
When I got back from visiting my parents, we got an e-mail from Maddy (another Antioch Adoptions staff member) asking us to send her some possible dates that we would be available to meet with her. The purpose of the visit is "to discuss the placement process and what you are looking for." After some back and forth, we got it on the calendar for 5 p.m. on Wednesday, June 28th. I don't think either of us (Joseph or I) were aware that we would need to have this meeting, but I guess that's just the way it goes. And we are actually eager to meet with Maddy. We have enjoyed our interactions with her (at PRIDE and some of the training classes).

PICTURE PROFILE
I am really hoping to have this completed before we meet with Maddy next week. We would definitely appreciate prayer for this. We will be writing what is called a "Dear Birthparent" letter, as well as each writing a paragraph or two about each other. And then we have to collect all the pictures and decide how to arrange them. I'm pretty sure this is something I will enjoy but it has proven difficult to get the daily necessities accomplished so that I can get started on this. My hope and plan is to finish up what I need to around the house today and then spend all day tomorrow, the afternoon on Friday, and all day Saturday working on this.

2006-05-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 9

THE HOMESTUDY CONTINUES
Joseph's individual homestudy visit went very well, too. Mandy thanked him for his honesty and indicated that so far she hadn't seen anything that was a "red flag" to her. We were looking at our schedule trying to figure out when the best time for our fourth and final visit would be. We really wanted to fit it in before our trip to Chicago (for my parents' 60th birthdays) but we also needed some time to get our extra room looking more like a nursery. When I finally got in touch with Mandy, it turned out the best day for all of us was today. We asked Mandy if it would be a problem that our 18-month-old niece would be here during the visit because she is staying with us for a few days while her parents are vacationing in Maui. She said it should be fine.

As it turns out, I think it was actually more than fine. It gave Mandy an opportunity to see us interacting with kids and she commented on it very positively more than once. Lily was, of course, her usual, charming, social self but also did a great job of entertaining herself so that we could talk.

By the end of our time, I got the impression that Mandy is really quite eager to look for/find a placement for us which is extremely exciting. She was very pleased with how we had set up the bedroom and strongly urged us to get our picture profile done as soon as possible. She told us she doesn't expect it to take her long to finish her part of writing up our homestudy because it's the only one she is working on at the moment.

I just want to thank you all for your prayers! We couldn't have done this without them and we have been so blessed to see how God has answered them, especially those related to working with Mandy. I have really felt like we have developed a bond with her and that she is excited to be working with us at this stage in the process.

CULTURAL PLAN
One other thing we had to do was write up how we would approach parenting a child from a different racial and/or cultural background. This was a daunting prospect and we put it off for awhile, praying that God would give us thoughts as to how to approach it. On Wednesday of last week, by God's grace, we finally got a first draft down on paper. We have some doubts as to whether they will be satisfied with it, but I think it is a pretty accurate reflection of who we are. So, we'll see...

2006-04-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 8

THE HOMESTUDY BEGINS
Now we are almost caught up to "real time." On March 29, 2006 we got an e-mail informing us that Mandy had been assigned as our caseworker and would be contacting us to set up times for our homestudy visits. After playing a little bit of "phone tag," we scheduled our first visit for Monday, April 10, 2006, at 5 p.m.

Based on what we had heard from the other couples in our PRIDE group we weren't expecting it to be as intense or challenging as we found it to be. As Joseph and I have talked it over, it seems that based on the timeline Mandy observed from all the paperwork in our files, we think she was doubting our readiness to pursue adoption. I felt like I did a less than adequate job of verbalizing my thoughts and my heart. This had the effect of prompting us to commit our following visits to much prayer and ask many of you to be praying with us in some very specific ways.

The next visit took place just this last Thursday (April 20, 2006) at 3 p.m. I was very encouraged by how well this time went. I definitely felt like God gave me the words to express my thoughts and feelings. I also felt like Mandy came with a desire to simply get to know me and my history. She even made a comment at the end of the two hours about how well I had articulated my thoughts and as she was leaving she thanked me for my honesty. I am absolutely convinced that many, many prayers were answered in our time together.

Thanks to all of you who were covering us with prayer. And I know many of you would have been if I had had this blog updated and you had known to be praying. Well, now you can.

LOOKING AHEAD
Joseph will be meeting with her alone on Thursday, April 27, 2006, at 4 p.m. After that, we will have at least one more joint visit at which point she will want to discuss our financial situation (as it pertains to providing for a child) and see that we have a room ready that's not just an office with a crib stuffed into it.

I am hopeful that now that we are moving ahead more quickly (and now that I have actually gotten this blog up to date), I will be more consistent with adding new posts as things happen. Thank you to those of you who have periodically checked back, looking for some news. I apologize that it has taken me so long to get back to posting.

2006-04-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 7

OUR SUPPORT NETWORK
We have been so blessed by everyone who has tangibly supported us in this process. The most unexpected place we found that has been our PRIDE group. There are 8 couples (including us) that went through both the PRIDE training as well as the additional classes together and we have really formed a lasting bond with them. In July 2005 we had our first of many social gatherings with the group. So far we have met up with them 4 times, each time at someone else's home. We also stay in regular e-mail contact updating each other with where we are in the process. I think part of what makes the connection so significant is that these people know firsthand what we are going through. Of our group, we have been the ones who took the longest to complete our homework and start our home study. But the group has never been critical of that. Instead they have just tried to encourage us and help us out in any way possible.

Our families have also been most supportive, offering encouragement, help and especially prayer whenever possible. There have been times when we were ready to give up and they were there to continue hoping for us when were were not able to. The same has been true of our church family.

Last, but certainly not least, there is a group of women from church with whom I have met weekly for prayer for years now. These dear sisters have carried me in so many ways through our years of infertility and now the adoption process. Each week they let me share my heart, whether I am discouraged and dispairing or hopeful and excited. I think they long to see a child in our home almost as much as we do. They have cried with me and rejoiced with me countless times. And they faithfully pray for me. I cannot imagine walking through this process without them.

We know how blessed we are to have so many "cheering us on." This is certainly not the case for everyone who is asked to walk through what we have been asked to walk through and we often thank God for all of you!

CHANGES OF THE HEART
I mentioned in an earlier post that we sensed God challenging us to be open to the idea of foster-to-adopt as well as birth parent adoption. In early November 2005, we had our PRIDE group to our house for our get together. One of the families had begun the process of getting foster licensed and were describing it to us. Something about that conversation triggered in me a realization of my limitations and I came to the conclusion that at this point in our journey, I just don't have what it takes to go through that. Some of that has to do with the emotional realities of adopting through the foster care system, and some of has to do with aspects of the licensing process itself. Within about a week, Joseph came to the same conclusion. As we prayed and talked about it, we really sensed God leading us to the decision to pursue only a birth parent adoption this time around.

Interestingly, for the first time since PRIDE, in conjunction with this decision, we both began to feel excited about the prospect of adopting. It began to feel like a reality that we might actually have a child in our home in the near future. It resulted in an eagerness to finish our part of the process that led to picking up our homework again while on the family ski trip in December (at that point it had been several months since we had even touched the homework), and the scheduling our CPR and Newborn Care classes. We began praying specifically for our child and their birthparents with the realization that this child may already be conceived. We've even begun to think about how we want to arrange and decorate our second bedroom.

Another event that helped motivate us and make adoption seem more like a reality, took place at one of our PRIDE group get togethers in February 2006. We arrived to discover that one of the couples had had a newborn placed with them on pretty short notice in January. We got to meet and even hold baby Samuel. It was pretty exciting for everyone because they are the first of our group (at least of those who have been at the get togethers) to have a placement. Since then, several others have had placements of different kinds and one couple has gotten pregnant. It has been encouraging to see how God is providing children for each of them. One couple now has twin girls through the foster care system.

And finally, the most significant change of heart for me came in finally embracing the idea that our first child would be adopted rather than biological. I think up to that point, I was holding on to the expectation that at some point during this process I would get pregnant and we would put adoption on hold until a later time. But sometime in November/December 2005 God softened my heart to accept that that is most likely not what He has in store for us. I know many of you are probably thinking of the "countless" stories you have heard of people who experienced a "surprise" pregnancy at some point in the adoption process. I have heard those stories, too. But I have also heard from multiple sources that those cases are actually a small minority (approximately 10%). And if that is a person's only (or even primary) motivation for pursuing adoption (in other words, hoping it will somehow trigger pregnancy), they probably need to reconsider whether they should really be pursuing adoption.

2006-04-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 6

FURTHER TRAINING
Note: The absence of new posts for the last seven months is probably a good indicator of how the process was progressing.

In May, we took several classes taught by Antioch Adoptions staff. They were titled: Understanding God's Will; Working with Birthparents; Emotional Issues of Adoptive Parents; Transitioning, Division of Children and Family Services (basically working within the foster care system); Parenting a Special Needs Child; and Transracial Adoptions Forum (Joseph's parents, sister and brother-in-law joined us for this class). We really learned a lot and were given many resources through these classes. In addition, it provided more opportunities to bond with the group of couples that we had gone through our PRIDE training with.

There were two other required classes that were not offered through Antioch Adoptions. We took an Infant and Child CPR, First Aid & Blood Bourne Pathogens class in January 2006. This turned out to be an enjoyable class. It was taught by one of the adoptive parents we met at PRIDE. Joel did an excellent job of making the class interesting and practical. His extensive background includes years of experience as an EMT. Then, in March 2006, we took a Newborn Care class through an organization by the name of Gracewinds here in the area. Again, the instructor did a great job of giving us lots of very useful information and presented it without advocating a specific parenting style. We were also blessed by her sensitivity to us as the only non-pregnant couple in the class. She actually said she would try to avoid talking about pregnancy-related topics. (She succeeded in that.)

PRE-HOMESTUDY HOMEWORK
Then there was the homework which I touched on briefly in the last post. We found it somewhat overwhelming, sometimes emotionally, but mostly just because it really felt like "homework" and that's something I have never been fond of. I'm going to give you an idea of some of the questions we attempted to answer.

- What was your family like growing up? Your relationship with each parent, and their personal characteristics that you either liked or found challenging as a child.

- What was fun like in your family?

- How did your parents discipline you and how did you feel about it?

- How did you know your parents loved you?

- How will you introduce Christ into the life of your child that will be placed in your home?

- How would you handle a child that does not wish to participate in your Christian beliefs?

- Describe your parenting style.

- Relate your methods and strategies for discipline.

Those are just a few. By February we were really tired of this process dragging out and were encouraged by our PRIDE group friends to just take a weekend and commit to getting it finished. We looked at the calendar and found our first free weekend to be March 11th. As we set that time aside and asked for prayer for it, a good friend suggested that we go away somewhere to work on it. We decided to head to a bed and breakfast on Whidbey Island. It ended up being a great time. Not only did we finally finish the homework but we really enjoyed the time away together as a couple and the setting was beautiful.

On Monday, March 13th, I mailed off our homework and we waited to hear back from Antioch Adoptions. The next step would be the homestudy.

2005-09-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 5

CORRECTING OF ASSUMPTIONS & LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS
As we sat through the PRIDE sessions, we began to realize that we had been operating on certain assumptions that weren't entirely accurate. We also realized that we had some expectations for what adoption would look like for us that we needed to let go of.

Until recently, we thought that adoption was a natural next step for anyone dealing with infertility. We are now quite convinced that that is not the case. Adoption is a specific calling.

We also thought that the only difference between adopting an infant and giving birth to an infant was the first 9 months of the child's life. I think we were under the impression that we could somehow leave the hospital and "forget" that part, though I don't mean by that that we intended to hide the truth from our child. We now understand that it will always be different. We will forever be connected to another family (often a "messy" situation), regardless of how much or how little contact we have with that family. Our adopted child will have to wrestle with issues that a child raised by their biological parents will never have to face.

Like many of you, the words "open adoption" were rather terrifying to us. We learned that "open adoption" is a spectrum. It may just mean that you meet a birthparent once or twice prior to the birth, in a neutral setting with adoption workers present and then send the birthparent a written update with a picture once every year or so. Or, it may mean that you spend time together regularly and incorporate them (and perhaps even their parents and siblings) into your family life. But we will not be forced into something that we are not comfortable with and can't follow through on. You set up what is called a communication agreement (a legally binding document). Antioch Adoptions has strongly encouraged us to be conservative in how much we offer because you can always go above and beyond that if we decide it's in everyone's best interest but we can't do less than what has been spelled out in the communication agreement.

Another scary possibility to us was the idea of going through the process of getting licensed for foster care so that we could go the route of "foster-to-adopt." This idea seemed daunting to us and quite honestly still does. There is additional training, paperwork and home study work involved beyond what is required for dealing directly with a birth parent. And yes, there is the reality that a child placed in our home, could be removed and placed elsewhere. While Antioch Adoptions does a lot of screening to make sure that such a placement has a high likelihood (~95%) of becoming permanent, they are very clear about the fact that they can't make guarantees. And it is quite possible that if we are willing to go this route, we could end up with a placement much sooner than if we limited ourselves to only dealing directly with birth parents.

And finally, our expectations, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say our limitations. Up until the PRIDE training, we had set some pretty specific parameters with regard to age, health and other needs, and number of children. But over the course of the weekend and the weeks that followed, we sensed God challenging us to let go of those and trust that He knows what we can handle, who we need in our home and who needs us and our home.

To top that all off, we were sent home with a pile of paperwork (some 40 pages or so with vague, open-ended, essay-type questions but I'll get into that more later).

The end result of all these things combined was that we came away from the weekend completely void of any joy or excitement in pursuing adoption but still quite convinced that that was what God was calling us to.

2005-09-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 4

STEP FOUR: PRIDE
Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education is a training course required by the State of Washington for any family pursuing adoption or foster licensing. From talking to families who have taken PRIDE through the State, we have realized what a blessing it was to be able to get this training from Antioch Adoptions staff and in a setting with other believers. Antioch Adoptions offers the training several times a year in the form of a whole weekend at Camp Sambica on Lake Sammamish in Issaquah.

We had heard all along that it would be pretty intense but there really was no way to brace ourselves for that reality. The next training weekend after we passed our interviews was April 8th through 10th.

Arriving at the Camp at 10 a.m. on Friday morning , we met 9 other couples from various parts of Washington. There were families who already have children (biolical and adoptive) and couples whose stories sounded so similar to ours it was uncanny. We had opportunities at mealtime to get to know these couples and have been so blessed by ongoing relationships with most of them. At the end of July we had a BBQ with a bunch of them. Last Saturday, we had a lasagne dinner with 3 of them. And in early November, we plan to host our next get-together. This has been "extra curricular," and by that I mean that it was not initiated or sponsored by the Antioch Adoptions staff. They have told us that not every group that goes through PRIDE together bonds the way ours has.

We were in sessions most of the day and into the evening Friday. We had the option of staying in a bunk house with several other couples or camping in a tent. We opted for the tent because we hate sleeping in separate beds and figured we might want a little privacy given the emotional intensity of what we were going through. Saturday we were in sessions all day (with a few short breaks) until dinner time. Since we were free for the rest of the evening, we decided to go home, relax with a movie and sleep in our own bed. Sunday was spent in sessions until about 4 p.m.

The intensity of all those sessions left us completely drained. Some of that had to do with the topics presented: learning more about the kinds of backgrounds kids in the foster care system are coming from, including various kinds and degrees of abuse. Some of it had to do with the fact that during the weekend it was once more confirmed that our dream of pregnancy was not to be realized. Some of it had to do with health problems: the night before we left, Joseph was diagnosed with a sinus infection and bursitis in his knee which left him on crutches and while there on Sunday, I had a migraine that was stubbornly unresponsive to my medication.

And finally, a lot of it had to do with the work God was doing in our hearts, which I will go into in my next "chapter"/post.

2005-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 3

STEP ONE
In November 2004 we began the process of filling out the initial application. It seemed daunting but after a month we finally finished it and mailed it off. Then we waited for a phone call from Antioch Adoptions to schedule our pre-screening and spiritual interviews. Shortly before Christmas, they called and we settled on February 7, 2005 (we knew we'd be in the process of moving to a new home during the month of January).

STEP TWO
At our interview, we were pleasantly surprised to discover that Patty Mays would be the one doing the spiritual part (her husband had been the pastor of the church Joseph's family attended when he was in jr. high and high school). That part took about 30 minutes. The second part, the pre-screening, took about 2 hours. They asked pretty in depth, personal questions about our marriage, our childhoods, etc.

We saw an interesting dynamic take place. Joseph, who is usually more guarded in how intimately he shares about himself, surprised me with his honesty and candor. I, on the other hand, who am usually pretty quick to be quite open (sometimes to a fault) found myself being very guarded. Joseph, who tends toward pessimism (or as he sometimes calls it, realism), came away from the interview very encouraged and hopeful. I, usually the endless optimist, came away convinced that they were going to "reject" us (in other words, decide that they could not place a child in our home). I tried to keep this to myself but as people kept asking how it had gone, I began to acknowledge my fears.

I gained some insight to what was probably driving those fears during a conversation with my sister. I realized that since the desire to be a mother is so much intertwined with who I am, it felt like I had just opened myself up to someone (basically a total stranger) telling me that I wasn't who or what I have always believed I was created to be. I know that my sole identity should be in Christ, but being the fallen creature I am, I often find my identity in my "mother's heart", my love for children. Needless to say, it was very convicting and a renewed opportunity to trust my heavenly Father who created me and whose right it is to decide how to use the gifts and abilities He's given me.

STEP THREE
I think they told us it could take two to four weeks for them to get a letter to us, letting us know whether or not we were "cleared" to continue the adoption process with them. It was actually less than two weeks after our interview that the letter arrived. I was relieved (though Joseph wasn't really surpised) to read that we were "invited" to take the next steps: signing up for various training events.

2005-08-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 2

THE IDEA BEHIND THIS BLOG
We are so blessed with family and friends who care about what is going on in our lives. Since we began openly sharing with all of you our desire to grow our family, you often ask where we are in that journey. Over the last year or so, we periodically sent out e-mail updates to answer some of those questions and we finally realized that this might be a more effective way of keeping everyone posted.

SOME HISTORY
We've been married since June 14, 1996. (We were both 21 at the time, so you can do the rest of the math.) Two years into our marriage, we decided there was no reason (from our perspective) to put off our dream of having children in our home. As it turned out, God had plenty of reasons. One year later, we realized we qualified for the label of "infertility" and began talking to doctors. We found some medical factors, but nothing that provided a definitive reason for our inability to conceive.

If you want the longer version of our past journey with infertility, read our very first post. Not long after the events written about at the end of that post, we were left to consider IVF. This led us to purposefully seeking the counsel of those we trust and respect - godly saints including our parents, our pastor and his wife, and wise friends with more life experience than we have. While there was an IVF option that we were ethically comfortable with, we were united in our decision that this was not the time to pursue it.

THE POSSIBILITY OF ADOPTION
Since before we were married, we had talked about the family we dreamed of including both biological and adoptive children. We just somehow always thought the biological children would come first and the adoptive children later on. Then, last fall, as we decided to close the door on IVF, we opened the door to adoption.

ANTIOCH ADOPTIONS
We had heard about Antioch Adoptions, an adoption "ministry" (and yes, they are a licensed agency, too) run by a local church. In fact, we had attended their introductory meeting in October 2003 and decided we just weren't ready to pursue adoption at that point. But we had saved the packet they gave us that included the preliminary application. The primary initial attraction to going through Antioch Adoptions was financial (they raise money to cover many of the expenses involved in the adoption process). However, since then we have found many other reasons to be excited about the work they are doing, and have been tremendously blessed by all the staff and the other adoptive families we have met.

2005-08-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 1

SOME BACKGROUND
Last year, at the request of a friend, I wrote this letter to someone I didn't know personally. Since the focus of this blog will be our journey going forward, I figured this would be the easiest way to catch people up on the journey up to that point.

September 3, 2004

Dear Longing One,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth and I am about 3 weeks away from my 30th birthday. My husband, Joseph, and have been married for just over 8 years and been trying to conceive for well over 5 years now (October 25th will make it 6). For as long as I can remember my desire has been to be a wife and a mother. I know some people look down on this but I really have never had any other "vocational" desires apart from those. I love children. I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to begin babysitting. My favorite thing to play with during my childhood (and even into my teen years) was my dolls, only I didn’t see them as dolls, I saw them as my children. I still have most of my dolls, doll clothes, doll dishes, miniature changing table, miniature pram, etc. stored in my parents’ attic and whenever I see them they bring back the fondest of memories.

So, as you can probably tell, in light of how God created me, infertility came as a pretty big blow. The pain of that longing continuing to go unfulfilled so often feels like a physical ache. And it never goes away. Some days it’s a little duller, but it’s always there. I can honestly say that not a day goes by without thinking at some point of my desire for a child to call my own. And I don’t know about you, but for me it’s not just a longing to have a child in my arms, it’s a longing to carry a child in my womb and to give birth to a child. A nd I really don’t think this has to do with a compelling need for the child to be of my own flesh and blood, but rather because I want to know what it’s like to feel a life kicking inside of me and nursing at my breast.

I would guess that anyone who has experienced infertility would probably agree that it is an emotional roller coaster. My thoughts and feelings run quite a gamut from one day/week/month/year to the next—sometimes even within a single day. And so, to presume that my experience is somehow unique would be foolish. All I intend to do here is to share a glimpse of how God has used the years of infertility to work in my heart. To do that I will begin by sharing some of the more recent ways He has worked and then continue by looking back over the years.

I am finally convinced of God’s goodness to me completely apart from any circumstance I find myself in. I can say with all my being as we sometimes do for our Call to Worship on Sunday mornings, "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good." I can sing from the deepest part of my soul, "The King of Love my Shepherd is, whose goodness faileth never. I nothing lack if I am His and He is mine forever." But it’s only in recent months that I can say those things without doubting their truth. How is that?

I think I would have to say the biggest factor in my faith being strengthened the way it has, is regularly sitting under the preaching of God’s Word by faithful ministers of the gospel. Ministers whose every sermon comes to us through the lens of Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things." I have prayed for God to strengthen my faith so that I would believe that in my heart of hearts, because we don’t believe it simply by hearing it. The Spirit has to give us the faith to accept it as truth.

The beginning of my "wrestling" with God over this issue of His never-ending goodness began well into our journey with infertility and I think it was just over 2 years ago. I began to ask myself how, in my intense pain, I could go for comfort to the One who, really, was causing my pain. Our pastor preached a sermon titled, "The Gospel of the Wound," in which he said that we should at least blame the right One. There was a lot more to the sermon and he said it better than I could ever remember, but what stood out to me was that he told us that God could handle our anger. And I think I really needed that freedom to admit what was really true. I was angry at God because He’s the One who could fulfill my longing for a child and He was choosing not to. But I knew enough of Scripture (verses about God’s goodness, mercy, grace, faithfulness, etc.) to know that ultimately that anger wasn’t a place I could "camp out."

I was meeting with a group of women and we were reading the book, Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy by Larry Crabb, together. The gist of something he said toward the beginning of the book was, "God wants to deepen our worship and He will do that by allowing/causing suffering/pain/unfulfilled longing in our lives. We don’t want deeper worship, we just want Him to take away our suffering and pain and fulfill our longing." As I read that I knew that for myself that was very true. But I didn’t want it to be. So I began praying and asking God to change my heart so that I would desire deeper worship.

And I can definitely say that over the last 2 years—it certainly didn’t happen instantly—He has answered that prayer. He has made Jesus more and more precious to me. So precious, in fact, that I don’t need my circumstances to change, I don’t need a child in my womb or arms, to be convinced that, in giving me Christ, He has already given me more than I need and certainly more than I deserve. That is a work only He can do. But when He does the work, He sustains it.

This faith has been significantly tested on at least 3 occasions in the last 9 months. In January, my husband’s sister, Leah, got pregnant. She and her husband have been married 6 years and had only been trying for a little over a year. In May, my husband’s brother’s wife, Talisha, got pregnant. They had been married for just over a year and only been trying for a few months.

These both came as pretty big blows (the second one was by far the bigger blow and compounded by the fact that the day we found out about it was the day we went through our first IUI procedure). Of our siblings on both sides, Joseph and I have been married by far the longest and had always dreamed that ours would be the first grandchild. Then, at the beginning of June we found out that that first IUI procedure had not been "successful."

With each of these 3 events, I was crushed and feared they would send me into a tailspin of despair and going back to doubting God. But God didn’t allow that to happen. Much to my surprise, I remained convinced of God’s goodness to me in spite of the incredible pain these things brought with them.

To give you a glimpse of how that played out, let me include some excerpts from two e-mails that I sent to a group of close friends around that time. The first one I sent the day I got my period a couple of weeks after finding out about Leah’s pregnancy. The second one I sent when I got my period after the IUI.

From the first e-mail:
Today marks yet another month of what has in the past been crushing, bitter disappointment. But I am not crushed. In His tender mercy, God is strengthening my faith to believe that His goodness to me is in Christ, not children. As Pastor Kelly said in teaching from the 2nd half of Philippians 4, "we can always have what [or all] we need if all we need is Christ." And so mine is the Cry of the Convicted Sinner, "O, thou Father of my spirit, thou King of my life, cast me not into destruction, drive me not from thy presence, but wound my heart that it may be healed; break it that thine own hand may make it whole."

Some ways (although not exhaustive) that you can be praying are:
—our faith: we have both seen God use the last 5+ years of dealing with infertility to work amazing things in our hearts; those of you who have walked this road more intimately with us know that even a year ago I would not have been able to honestly write what I did in that first paragraph; for that, God gets all the glory, He is truly doing marvelous things; our hope is that all who see us on this road would know that God is working through it and would glorify Him for it; and I am becoming more and more convinced that what He is doing in allowing this in our lives is not all about us or maybe even not primarily about us; His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, and day by day I am more and more at peace with that and with the knowledge that I don't need to know "why";

From the second e-mail:
I think all of you know that a little over 2 weeks ago we underwent a fertility procedure known as an IUI, hoping and praying that God might see fit to use that means to bless us with a much longed-for child. Because His ways are not our ways and His thoughts not ours, I doubt we'll ever understand His timing. And we accept that, knowing that we would rather serve a God beyond our comprehension than a God of our invention (yikes!). But once again, our longing remains unfulfilled.

There is not much left to say. I don't mean to imply in what I have written here that this has not been excruciatingly painful and continually perplexing. The ache in our hearts is indescribable. But I can't help giving glory to God for how He is answering your prayers and carrying us in the palm of His hand, convinced of His goodness and faithfulness to us even in the midst of our immense sorrow.

I think one last thing I would like to share is the role that the Body of Christ has played in our journey. I simply cannot imagine walking through all we have without the dear saints who have listened to us, cried with us and longed with us (I have friends who I think might even long for a child for me at least as much as I do for myself). And of these friends who have ministered so well to us in this, I can think of only two of them that have experienced infertility. Most of the others have kids! I think in some ways, friends who aren’t suffering with the same thing I am might be better equipped to minister to me in my hurt than would an "infertility support group." (That doesn’t mean those groups don’t have a place or don’t offer benefits. And I may be totally off-base is my ideas of what they have to offer. I’ve just personally never had a desire to be in one.) That said, this kind of support is not something you can just create. But I think you can encourage it by a willingness to share openly with people about the struggles you are facing. Yes, you do open yourself up to people who will be insensitive even if they mean well. If you look, however, I think you will also find those who are willing to learn how to be sensitive; to learn what questions to ask and what questions not to ask; to learn when to talk and when to just listen and cry.

A few more excerpts from the e-mails I mentioned earlier speak to this.

Thanks to every one of you for your tender compassion with us along the way. We need that. You may never know how much you have blessed us with your willingness to pray and cry with us, and listen to us. We would not be where we are today without you. I pray for your endurance.

How can we thank you for your tender love and fervent prayers for us through this time? I am truly overwhelmed by how vividly you carry out the command to "mourn with those who mourn" and continue to look forward to a day when you will be able to carry out the counterpart to that and rejoice with us. And even now, there are things to rejoice over.

I want you to know how blessed we are by the outpouring of love and tears that we have received from all of you. We so desperately need our community during this time and you have all truly been there for us.

Well, this is a glimpse into my story. There is probably a lot more I could write but I’ll leave it at this for now. I’d love to get together for coffee sometime and perhaps hear your story, or share more of mine, or answer questions you have about what I have written here, or…whatever.

One dear friend gave me a book titled Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky. Coming from a lot of people I would have tried to graciously receive the book, then gone home and stuck it on the shelf never to be read. But this was one of those saints who had really walked this journey with me, so I decided to read it. My final analysis when my Mom asked about it was, this is primarily a book that anyone who has a friend dealing with infertility should read. There were, however, certainly parts of it that ministered to me. Two chapters stand out in my memory and are why I have even mentioned the book. One titled "Monthly Cycle, Monthly Tears," sounded like it could have been written by me and encouraged me that I wasn’t totally off my rocker. And one titled "'Just Relax, Dear,' and Other Maddening Advice" was encouraging just from the standpoint that I realized there are other people out there who have experienced the insensitivity of others as I have, and some even worse!

I know this has gotten quite long. I hope you haven’t found it too daunting. I only mean to share my heart and give glory to God for how He works! I am praying for you! Feel free to call or write anytime—my info is at the bottom of this page.

Because of Christ,
Elizabeth

Epilogue—September 17, 2004:
Psalm 16
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Lamentations 3:22–25, 31–33 & 55–58
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men. "I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, 'Do not close your ear to my cry for help!' You came near when I called on you; you said, 'Do not fear!' You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life."

When I wrote the letter we were awaiting the results of a second IUI we had undergone. We found out last week that it did not result in a pregnancy. Not surprisingly, the days following that news were hard. And adding to that news came the news that Nathan & Talisha are expecting a son, the first to carry on the family name. We had long hoped that that honor would be ours. As in the past, God surrounded us with his saints who cried and prayed with and for us.

It was impossible not to see God’s hand in the fact that last weekend we attended a Ligonier Ministries conference on the topic of "The Providence of God." (We had registered for it several months ago.) Again, not surprisingly, God used some things the speakers said to convict and comfort me. I will mention one thing that really stood out to me and that God has been challenging me with from multiple sources. We are called to respond to His providence with submission and trust. I realize that I have not had a submissive heart to Him in this matter of children. I am like the child on the floor, kicking and screaming, unwilling to take "no" for an answer. This is not an easy realization to come to.

In a book I am reading, the writer was talking about the difference between goals and desires, saying that you work for goals and pray for desires. She said she began daily bringing her desires before the Lord and leaving them there, but that she suffered a lot of separation anxiety. Her desires meant so much to her that it often felt as if she were ripping her heart out. But she also said it was freeing to admit she couldn’t make choices for others (in my case, God Almighty). I have to say, these thoughts really resonated with me.

And so I am purposing to bring this desire for a child daily to my loving Father. Right now, all I can do is come and ask Him to pry this desire from my tightly clenched fists. I don’t exactly know how to reconcile letting it go and trusting and submitting to God in this, with the grief that accompanies the surrender. But I look forward to the Spirit’s work of taking my desire to control and in its place giving me a submissive heart.
As you can see, we need much prayer. We also need prayer to know what our next step/steps should be. We don’t want to be like children who just won’t take "no" for an answer. But we’re not quite sure where that line is—the line between using the means provided and trying to force something to happen that’s not ours to bring about. We are certainly seeking the counsel of godly saints in this.

Thank you again, for all your love, prayers and support. You are a comfort to us.
Because of Christ,
Elizabeth